you can't always get what you want

I have a bad habit of not getting what I want. I know, it sounds ridiculous but here’s what usually happens. 

• Step one: I order a juice at my local bodega.
• Step two: I get my juice and take a sip.
• Step three: It’s not what I ordered, not only that - it tastes really bad.
• Step four: I don’t say anything, I leave the bodega both unhappy with my bad tasting juice.
• Step five: I drink my bad tasting juice and regret it for hours and wonder why, I didn’t just ask for a new juice.

Does this happen to anyone else? You can apply it to any part of your life and maybe sometimes you just go with something and it’s not even what you want. The worst part is it’s always in my control, always. But rather than saying, “Excuse me, this is not what I ordered. May I please have a new juice?” I walk away feeling regretful and upset at myself for not speaking up. I’ve done this so many times that I’ve lost count. Most recently on a trip to Bloomingdale’s to purchase a new skincare product where I ended up with a different product than I went in to purchase, something I did not like, spent more money than I wanted and ended up with the same terrible regret. WHY DO I DO THIS?

Part one of the conclusions I've come to: I’m worried I’m going to hurt someone’s feelings.

I go see the bodega guy everyday. He is so happy and sweet. It gets very busy in there and sometimes people make mistakes. I also have witnessed people being so utterly rude at this place that I’m fearful that I too will look rude if I return my juice. Because they will then dump it out, waste all those vegetables and fruits, and next time I come in, I’ll wonder if they will then think of me as “the woman who returned her juice.” This is so beyond ridiculous.

Part two of the conclusions I've come to:  Everyone hates that picky, pushy person in line.

I’ve witnessed my fair share of people while living in NYC that are so beyond picky that it holds up the line and makes everyone else uncomfortable in a 10 feet radius. I know that by saying to my Bloomingdale’s beauty advisor, “No thank you, I came in for this product and am not interested in that product,” that she wouldn’t hate me or find me picky but at the end of the day, she’s supposed to be the expert. However, she is also a sales woman.

So here’s what I’m doing. 

I returned the skincare product and I’ve made a pact with myself to no longer expect bad juices. I trust that you can read between the lines here but if not - I won’t accept or allow people to talk me into things I do not want or did not ask for just because I feel bad or am worried about what they will think if I correct them. Because in the middle of the day when all I have time for is a juice, I do not want it to tastes like celery - I want carrot and I’m sure the bodega guy will understand.

less is more

I awoke from the sun beaming in from outside. A cool fall breeze from the window and in the arms of a man who loves me very much and all I could do was whine and complain.

I had no makeup, deodorant, clean clothes, face wash, comfortable shoes. My head hurt, my arm hurt from a flu vaccine days prior, my jaw sore from my apparent teeth grinding sleep. I could hear how annoying, bratty and selfish I sounded but I kept going on and on. Why was the sun so bright and why did the landlord choose Saturday morning to replace the siding (this was the only fair complaint since they began hammering at 8am). Chris, my boyfriend who spoiled me with a movie and dinner the night prior, listened and didn't interrupt as I went on and on. After a pause in my banter, mostly because I was probably looking for other things to bitch about he simple said, "Maybe you need too many things."

I fired back that I didn't think clean underwear was too much to ask but throughout the day and entire weekend the question stuck with me - do I really need so much?

With the change of the season I've found myself wanted more things. Hats, shoes, gadgets, beauty products, jewelry, everything really. I want these times but what is more alarming is that I feel I deserve these things. Why a $60 candle? Well because I earned it. I work hard goddammit so if I want my room to smell like one big fancy rose, so be it. When I come back down to earth I realize how stupid that line of reasoning is. You know what I really need? A big reality check.

I need the basics. Food, water, shelter and a job. I do not need $25 lipstick, $60 candles or an $800 watch. I have plenty of clothes to layer for the fall and winter, a heavy jacket, a hat, a cabinet of soup and to be honest, too much lipstick already. Having all I need is a blessing I seem to lose touch with all too often. My ego gets the best of me and the situation, convincing me that these things will somehow improve my life quality. What will however is wanted less. A current yoga lesson brought up the idea of taking less. Taking only what you need so there is more for everyone around you. Why does that sound so simple and easy but when I'm standing in the middle of Bloomingdale's I have this incredible pressure that if I do not have that DVF scarf that would mean no groceries for two weeks that I can't keep it in the front of my mind?

So it begins - the constant mantra of needing and wanting less. Taking what I have and seeing it all as blessings rather than burdens. And most of all to stop whining so much. No one wants to hear that.

hats off

 I never wore hats growing up. My sister jokingly told me I looked weird in hats in middle school and it stuck with me. I always trusted her word so every time I put one, on my mind would reiterate her voice. I'd think, "it does look weird," take it off and place it back on the shelf.

Come fall while lingering around Soho one day I came across a black felt hat that didn't feel too weird. In a good mood, accompanied by a new fellow I decided to go with my gut. He gave me the thumbs up and in my "you're too cute to disagree with" mood I handed over my debt card. The fellow didn't last but the hat did. Certainly an impulse buy that was worth the price tag. I haven't been back to the shop since but there were two left, one camel and one hunter green. If you need a push here's one from me- indulge a little and hats off to you.

a week in brief

Stopping in briefly before I head into another meeting. The time between Halloween and New Years always flies by. Hopefully next week will be a little more calm and I can come back and blog about some things I've been thinking about. Here's a quick glimpse though of what I've been drinking, eating, listening to and smelling like. More soon, promise! Start right, top and go clockwise: Bottega Veneta, l'Occitane sheer butter hand cream, Softlips in Vanilla, San Pellegrino Spring Natural Mineral Water, "Sway" by The Kooks, Fage greek yogurt

thefty shopping

Have you ever stole anything? Better yet, have you ever had anything stolen from you by a complete stranger? I'm not talking about your sibling nabbing something from your closet, I'm talking gone for good. I've never stolen anything but last year my leather jacket was swiped from me while out in the city. Now I take responsibility for not checking my coat at check-in but I was less than 10 feet from it the entire night and have definitely been more careless a million times before. The thing about this jacket was it was the first big purchase that  I made entirely for myself when I moved to Manhattan. I saved up all my birthday money and cut way back to buy this thing. It meant something to me. It was a "I'm-23-in-fucking-manhattan-hear-me-roar" piece. I loved it. I wore it constantly. It was the second favorite thing I've ever owned (the first being a gold bracelet from December 1986 engraved with 'Toni' that still fits me). I cried. Hard. It floors me to this day that someone would take something that didn't belong to them. I tried to think that they really needed that jacket or maybe it really was a mistake but it was never returned to the restaurant/club/bar and therefore I believe now that they did it on purpose. This weekend I semi-replaced that jacket with a new one. It's similar and I'm sure I'll grow to love it but I have a feeling that I won't be as attached to it as I was my last one. I'm trying to think of it as my "I'm-25-just-landed-my-dream-job-and-still-loving-manhattan" jacket but it doesn't have the same ring to it. As we've been over before, I believe in karma so who knows where the person who swiped my jacket ends up. In the meantime, I'll be breaking in my new edition.

picture perfect

Shopping with a purpose? Say it isn't so. Here's the real reason I'm posting this photo, I obsessively keep shopping bags with exquisite printing, fabulous design and unique paper. The problem is, they sit in my closet and collect dust. But when I came across this little ditty, my heart bloomed. I wish I had a great walk in closet to where I could frame all my goodies and set them on display. Sigh, one day!