lucky

I walked down the subway steps at Marcy Avenue yesterday and caught the eye of a guy about my age. He was at the bottom clearly waiting for someone, something. He smiled - his whole body smiled. For a split second I thought that he was of course waiting for me but soon realized that I've never seen this person before. His girlfriend trotted down from the steps into his arms. The kissed in the way that seemed comfortable but also a bit passionate. I felt a bit embarrassed to witness their public display of affection. Maybe because I'm ultra sensitive to everything right now, especially people touching.

I thought it was so nice that he waited for her. A simple, small gesture. I know that I'm in this cycle of overanalyzing everything but I'm trying to just let thoughts come and go like my breath. Breathe in a bit of sadness because no one was waiting for me, breathe out acceptance of this time to build myself up a bit.

I got home and Jack followed me into my room. Jack is my roommates 85+ lb mastiff pitbull mix. He mostly represents a hippopotamus because he moves so slowly and stiffly. He looked at me and I told him we could hang out in the living room but not my room, I ran into the living room. Jack stiffly ran and half jumped onto the sofa and flipped himself into me and took half my arm into his mouth. He does this when he's so happy you are there that he wants to actually bite you but he's too gentle to actually cause harm. He made me feel a bit better. I went to yoga (yup, still at it daily) and settled into poses which were held for 5-8 minutes each. Something about bending over my knee made me cry. Tears trickled down my cheeks as my toes went numb and I breathed as deep as humanly possible. I kept coming back to the question of, "When will someone be waiting for me?"

My friends were waiting though after yoga. I collected them at a bar and we went to another to get burgers. We sat and talked about past jobs, current relationships and other people's love lives. It's hard to hear of unhappy relationships right now. I keep coming back to wondering if people know how lucky they are. I felt lucky every single day when I was in a relationship. It's easy to lose focus of that when you're arguing over who needs to take the trash out or if there are shoes on the floor that you tripped over or whatever else makes you annoyed with the other person.

The guy from the subway, he knew he was lucky and I think that's what pulled at my heart strings. Because no matter how lucky you are, sometimes things just don't work out. But the only thing you can do is go home, sit on the sofa with the dog, go to yoga, meet friends for burgers, go home and put yourself to bed. You need to keep going, but don't forget to remember how lucky you are. No matter what situation you find yourself in.

juicy juice

 

 So here's the thing about juices.

I've always been 100% "get that stuff away from me." I saw people "juicing" or "cleansing" and I'd roll my eyes and tell them to hit the gym if they wanted to lose some weight or what not. What I didn't realize is that a juice can be added to your normal eating habits just as an extra dose of nutrients and antioxidants. A coworker of mine inspired a trip to our local bodega-style juice bar. I tried an orange, ginger, carrot and apple juice and it was love. Most recently my roommate Mel has been mixing up a Super-C which I've listed below. The spicy, sweet taste is amazing. My new approach to juice is that it's a healthy alternative when I'm craving something sweet. Instead of reaching for a lemonade or other store brand juice, I go to the counter and order a freshly made juice. No sugar crash, no unhealthy additives. Having that I was the world's biggest jerk about the entire fad, you should give it a try. It's changed my mind, it may change yours. Enjoy.

Super-C
from Everyday Raw Detox by Meredith Baird

The combination of pineapple and orange is a mega dose of vitamin C, a powerful cold and flu fighter. Pineapple provides an additional benefit with the enzyme bromeliad which helps suppress coughs and loosen mucus. Jalapeños elevation sinus congestion and reduce sinus headaches. Everything about this juice makes it a flu fighter. Or in my option, just plain good.

Makes 1 juice serving

1 quarter fresh pineapple
1 orange
1/2 handful of cilantro
1/2 small jalapeño, seeded

love letters

When I was younger I wrote lots and lots of letters. I had moved between the third and fourth grade to a new school and area of Pennsylvania and to keep in touch with friends I wrote them. I passed notes in school and sent snail mail to anyone I could. I had tons of stationery and made my own. My first job in New York City was working for a stationery company, it was only fitting.

Most of the time I wouldn't have a stamp or would have already used all the stamps so I devised a brilliant plan of taping coins to the letter with a note for the mail person to please place a stamp on my letter. It worked every time. I was too shy to actually meet and thank them ever but it was amazing that this person would do this for me, I can't imagine that actually working now. Even today whenever there is a birthday, holiday or just for the hell of it, I write letters. If I have your address, you've probably gotten a little love letter from me here and there. I love the entire process or selecting the perfect note, addressing the envelope and filling in the card, notecard, postcard, whatever. When our inboxes are full, our mailboxes only contain bills and junk mail. Until now….

I propose a little project. Email me your name and address to suddenlylovely@gmail.com and I will send you a little love note. I know some of you personally who read this but some of you I'm sure we've never met. I'd love to know who this is reaching and where in the world you are. But even if I do know you don't shy away, shoot me an email! And don't worry, this will only be used for good and not evil. So email me and get a little something in return. Who knows, maybe we'll become our own sort of grown up pen pals.

red, red

 

I woke up and it was cold. Not chilly, cold. That cold that makes you pull the covers up to your nose and stay in bed an extra 10 minutes or so. All summer I've been sporting an au naturale look of skin brightener, black mascara and bare lips but this morning took me back to fall habits. Red, red lips.

My three favorite red shades are Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Dragon Girl, Dolce and Gabbana's Classic Cream Lipstick in #220 Devil and ck one pure color lipstick in Must Do. Something about the cooler weather makes me instantly gravitate towards everything leather and lipstick. Off to another meeting but wishing you all a very happy Friday and a wonderful weekend.

to the moon + back

I try to think of myself as getting a head start on the beginnings that can be brought in with a new moon. While I spent a good amount of time in the spring and summer feeling unorganized and scatterbrained, I already am beginning to feel a bit more connected and clear minded with the subtle change of weather and time. I was sort of propelled into making choices that weren't ideal but have ended up boding well for me. In addition to my yoga practice, I cut out most sugar, all alcohol and caffeine and began to eat as clean as possible. I reintroduced caffeine back into my diet after two weeks because I simply love coffee - the smell, the taste, the whole experience of mixing milk, sugar and coffee together but I've stuck pretty closely to the others. It wasn't about weight or health but more about giving myself a completely clean slate and not heighten any of the feelings or experiences that I was going through. A bit of detox.

Through a bit of internet research and yoga chatter I've found that this new moon will affect those with signs of gemini, virgo, sagittarius and pisces the most (pisces here!). It's a perfect time to begin new projects and really focus on the details of ourselves in a positive way. Unlike the spring and summer, one should be able to clearly tick off their checklist and feel like they are moving forward rather than doggy paddling water in one spot.

Whether you are interested in astrology or not, the change of the pace and season is a perfect time to make a little time for yourself. Do something nice for yourself if you can today or this week. Cook yourself a nice meal or spend some time pampering yourself with a massage or manicure. We all spend a lot of time doing for others but sometimes you should do for yourself.

just kids

My roommate has two children. The oldest is 8, the youngest just turned 6. They were at the apartment yesterday when I arrived home. All limbs, hair and smiles. Little bird hugs and back to making paper robots. Their energy and stone cold honesty is infectious. I love when the oldest is brutally honest without even knowing that her words ring insanely true even at such a young age. The youngest stuck a piece of paper on his forehead with an eyeball drawn on.

"Look I have three eyes!"
I turned to my other roommate, "We've been working on that for how long? (We both just got home from yoga) And look, Issac already knows exactly where his third eye is."

They tumbled onto my bed not wanting to get into their own. Matching pajama sets that I must admit I was a bit jealous of. Screaming bloody murder and rolling around laughing not wanting to go to sleep just yet. Tickles work wonders and so do carrying them upside down to their bed. Goodnights and see you soon's, they leave this afternoon to go back to their mums.

It made my night. It reminded me of flying down the hill with my sister and two cousins at my grandparents house when we were little. We were Indians, we were princesses and queens. We were whatever we wanted to be dressed in vintage scarves and dresses tied up with hair bands and pins. Mommom would take us to the candy store down the street. Bags of sugar gummy candies for us and cigarettes for her. I learned to drive at age 6. I sat on her lap and drove down the street and down the driveway. She taught me again at age 16. There were swings underneath their tall deck. I always hated the concrete feel on my bare feet. We'd leap from the peak of a swing into the grass. Our hands would smell like lighting bugs, our hair like grass and woods. The weeping willow tree served as a guest home. I used to walk down the street to sit with the neighbors horses, daring myself to slip onto their backs every day. I never did. I'm glad I waited until my own mum taught me to ride. All four of us rode our ponies. All four of us playing endless hours of whatever we could dream up.

The kids last night reminded me of my own loving family. We're all well into our adult lives and carving out our own places in the world. Watching those two last night made me realize that even though we're all getting older, we should never stop playing and creating.

thirty days

I feel sort of mixed up. This was something I started to give myself a sense of belonging. When you lose the sense of having somewhere to go and someone who expects you everyday, it can leave you feeling heavy and overwhelmed. I gave myself one hour and a half to not think, to be and to do. I showed up everyday for myself.

Today is day 30.

It was the worst class in the bunch. I expected to be perfect, balanced. It was a reminder that you work everyday but each day requires more work. No matter how many good days there are - bad ones can come on unexpectedly. It was the worst and the best.

I cannot expect perfection from myself. I cannot criticize bad steps. Sometimes poses that were easy for weeks suddenly strike as difficult. Never expect things to fall into place. Sometimes you lose balance.

I woke up sore. My body changed greatly in 30 days. I feel a bit of sadness that my 30 days are over. What I need to be conscious of is that it is not an end but a beginning. There really is no end because there is always work to do.

I am proud of myself. I am allowing myself this happiness when all I have felt lately is guilt and disappointment. Yoga shows me that I can still push through and find a place to belong. I belong in the exact place I am right now. With these people, in this time, with this awareness.

I found the notebook I had lost for a few days. I was writing down all this newly found knowledge from my classes. Thinking that every time I had a negative thought I could re-read them and feel a bit better. Something more significant happened though, I didn't need them. The wall was behind me as I peeled my legs up into a headstand but I didn't need it. I knew it was there and that was enough. I trusted my body and understood that I was so much stronger than I had originally realized. My body will hold. The biggest smile spread across my face. It was ridiculous - upside down and smiling. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I kicked down to my tippy toes and went into child's pose. I squeezed my feet, a little massage to myself.

Written on Sunday, September 1st

wind down

Let's wind down. I know the past entries have been intense or at least they feel like that to me. So let's take a break from my super charged mind where everything is flying all over the place and settle on what's been filling my days lately. First off, yoga - so much of it. I practice at Greenhouse Holistic located in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I've been going off and on for a year now. I had tried yoga in the past but now am a full believer that it does a lot of good, mind and body. Everyone in the office has a summer flu so I've been drinking a GT's kombucha daily to help warn off the bad bacteria floating around. With all the yoga and sick kids, the Fresh Sugar Face Polish has been keeping my skin aglow. I started reading, "Where'd you go Bernadette?" by Maria Semple on Sunday and am half way through. I had mentioned to my roommate that I was going to get a new book when she pulled this from her pile, it was the exact book I was going to pickup that afternoon! I'm smelling like Balenciaga L'Essence lately. I went through a very long trend of wearing Chloe Eau de Parfum but settling back into L'Essence which has woody notes blended with violet. Hope everyone is having a nice Tuesday. I'm feeling much more positive today with the sun out and shining. Much love.

pretty little boxes

 need (noun): a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation.
want (verb): to wish, need, crave, demand or desire.

I've been placing my life into two categories. Two neat bins or boxes. I like to think of them sitting next to each other and placing physical notes in each when thoughts arise. White slips of paper with black ink. The box on the left reads, "want." The box on the right reads, "need."

As a thought arises, it gets written down and placed in its box. Sometimes the want items end up in the need box and later need to be sorted out. Sometimes the opposite happens. This breaks down to the most simple means of life lately. Do I need or want that second cup of coffee this morning? Do I need or want to pick up the phone and call him? Do I need or want that beautiful Helmut Lang jacket… well obviously that's a need.

Demand is such a jarring word. Jarred is such a wonderful description of what I feel right now. Demanding something from someone is so much different than getting something that is necessary. The definitions themselves speak volumes. Everything to describe "want" feels forced with an action that is against a will.

Maybe I didn't want to be sitting on the grass yesterday having a conversation with a friend about how hard things can be sometimes. How people get sick, relationships end, friendships become strained and uncontrollable shifts happen within ourselves. I didn't want to admit that this is maybe what I needed. I didn't want to make you a grass ring to put on your finger because I wanted it to be him and not you. But I needed to be sitting there and I needed you. I needed to have that conversation because I need to feel it all. Maybe I wanted something that I didn't need. Maybe you need something that you didn't want.

Thank you for helping me off the grass. Thank you for helping me place the slips of papers in their boxes.

the art of losing

I have a neurotic habit of placing the same items in the exact same spot. When I suddenly moved, all my places had to be re-established. Because nothing had a place or home I would lose things constantly. I lost my new apartment key for a day, lost by old apartment keys for 2 days, lose my phone on the daily and yesterday I lost a small notebook. I know that it seems trivial and that it'll show up eventually but for the time being, it really makes me feel a bit nutty and out of sorts.

I have been jotting notes down in that little book since I've moved. It's been home to grocery lists, inspiration for work, thoughts that flood my mind, quotes from friends, family and yoga teachers and daily ramblings that later turn into blog posts or questions to resolve later. Let me also say that I have an entire box of these notebooks. I have a notebook from high school, my first year in college, from my internship summer in NYC and well you get the point. I hardly ever throw them away because I can pick them up and take a glimpse into what was going on. What was I buying, worrying about, thinking about, where was I going and who was I with during these adventures?

I also feel that beginning a new notebook would mean that I've "given up" on my lost notebook which I'm not ready to do. So for a few days I'll make notes on random pieces of paper, my iPhone, whatever is available. If it comes to having to get a new book then I'll drag my butt downtown to pick out another which is a whole adventure in itself. For the day thus far here are my notes:

1. Find the notebook 2. Pay the dry cleaner 3. Nineteen 4. Call movers to confirm 5. Breathe deeply

fine

"I'm fine. When is this over?"

Paul, August 13th

Bend down and touch the ground with the palms of your hands. If you aren't a gymnast like most of us, use your fingertips. Are you there? Good, okay. Feel connected. How is it? Oh, fine? Fine, but when is this over? How many times a day do we say that? This is um, fine but when the fuck is this going to be over. It hurts? Why are you letting it hurt, you're doing it. Do something a bit more comfortable. We came here to work but we didn't come here to work in pain. Listen, most of us only get to practice yoga like what...once a week or whatever? Just enjoy it. Do it but enjoy it. Do it and don't think "oh this is fine." Because then it's not fine. Why don't you just do something that feels good and you enjoy. Do yoga, take drugs. I shouldn't say that but I'm more of a drug addict than anything but you know what I mean. We're all thinking everything is fine but - when the fuck is this over.

I actually was asleep 97% of this class. I let go so much that by the time I realized I was practicing yoga I was standing in front of the juice in the grocery store blocks away.

tried + true

When I was in middle school I realized pretty quickly that girls were complete bullshit.

They would tell me that they liked my jeans and two seconds later tell someone else how terribly they looked and how I thought I was cooler than everyone else. I developed a good sense of which girls were full of shit and which were going to stand by me.

Today, it's not really any different. I've met more people in my life that have stabbed me in the back than who have held my hand. I'm not going to deny that I've probably done it to a few as well. I never really felt like I had to belong to a clique. I was perfectly fine having fewer friends. I also realized that I preferred having guy friends because they didn't stab me in the back. If they were going to be jerks, it was straight forward and forgotten about 2 minutes later.

At 27 I overhead someone once tell another, "Toni doesn't have a lot of friends."

At 27 I felt like I was 12 because it made me terribly sad. I went home, shut the bathroom door and I let myself cry just for a second. Then I went back to bed and to sleep. I thought about it again over the weekend as I sat with a coworker and friend at my new apartment.

"I can't get over this view," she said.
"Well I had to lose everything to get it," I said.

But I didn't have to lose any friends. When I needed them, they were right there. An army of people who were fucking pissed off and ready to help in anyway they could. I always knew but I re-realized, I don't have many friends maybe by other people's standards but the friends I have are some of the most interesting, honest and beautiful people I've ever met. The saddest part is having to call on them for help when I should have been calling on them for happier reasons the whole time. We make time when it's convenient and when bad things happen but it's hard day in and day out when everything is going swimmingly to remember that these are the people that actually do mean the most. Everyone is guilty of it so nobody really blames anyone else. It's something to be conscious of, something to work on.

"We should do this more often," she said.
"We should have been doing this since the last time," I said.

Reach out to someone you haven't spoken to in a while today just to say hi. Because girls can be such bullshit but if you're lucky enough to have those in your life that will stand by you when you need them and when you don't, hang on, those are true blue best friends. I'm so proud of mine.