adventures of standing on your head

So, we all are more than aware of my trip into the yoga universe. I've been practicing for 1.5 years and just about daily for the past 6 months. Yoga came into my life (as every person who practices yoga claims) when I needed it most. It "found" me and I "found" it. Clichés aside, it really did save me. A place to go everyday, poses to focus on and breath that didn't feel like a constant heart attack. I healed and while I was at it, lost some weight, gained strength both physically and emotionally and calmed the hell down. I realized, more than anything, that I couldn't solve the problems of the world or mine in a day. That everyday I needed to start fresh and work a little more. That there was always work to be done and that's okay because there is no deadline for growth or love. Then I went upside down into my daily headstand.

Then I fell, really hard. Every knuckle cracked, along with my neck. My body knew how to tuck and roll from years of falling out of tricks in gymnastics and horseback riding but my mind at that moment screamed panic. I'd like to say that the man next to me practicing scared the living daylights out of me and it's why I fell.  He came down out of his shoulder stand so fast I was sure I was doomed, however it wasn't really the case. What happened was, I got too cocky. I had been practicing for a few months for just about every single day and I had gotten so used to headstands that I got ahead of myself.  I forgot that I was standing on my head and that I needed to focus and breathe. My ego got the best of me and in turn, I almost broke my neck.

Instead of the normal annoyance that would come over me and gripping that waves over me when I do something imperfect, I calmly went into child's pose. I was however grinding my teeth so hard that I had to open my mouth for a few seconds so that I wouldn't chip a tooth. And then I laughed.

Because here I was thinking that I was golden. That I, Antoinette Marie, had basically conquered sirsasana and therefore all of yoga and I had done it in 3 months. Go deeper. My emotional self was walking around saying, "Oh I'm fine. That breakup? What breakup?" But the truth is, it'll always be with me. I'll always be working. On both my fears and concerns of love and headstands.

Last night and every night since I fell, I go into and come out of my headstand with absolute respect. I now understand that I can fall, and hurt myself at anytime. That no matter how many times I do any pose that I may lose my balance. I understand that this reflects me and the outside world. That I need to respect the love that I'm given by those around me because it can be taken away or betray me at a moments glance. I remember to breathe, I remember to stay focused. To not place blame on the person next to me because god knows there's always someone next to you doing something sort of stupid and scaring you. To have respect for all situations you find yourself in, good and bad. Accept that you will fall and don't take it so seriously. I will never be able to go into a headstand again without being a little bit afraid that I will fall. I try to ease my nerves with my breathe and build my strength by continuing to practice, regardless of my fears. I'm sure I'll fall again and again but isn't the most important part to know how to get back up? I'm getting back up.

morning rambles

This morning I had a thought.

It was a pretty standard morning for me. What used to seem like the great unknown of a new neighborhood and space, now feels comforting and peaceful. I pulled up the blinds to let what little winter light there was in, got ready, buttoned up, settled on an album to listen to and walked to the subway. My subway stop is above ground and goes over the WIlliamsburg Bridge. It's one of the best ways to start the day. I stood on the platform with my headphones in, gloves on, waiting for the train when I thought about my upcoming birthday. I ran down a list of sorts.

27. Female. Single. Average Height, Average Weight. Never been married. No Children. Can touch my toes. Cannot do a handstand (yet). Happy, yes.. I am happy. Brooklyn, New York. Blonde. Black boots. Overall comfortable.

And then I thought, how many of those things will change once I'm 28. How many will change in 5 years, 10 years. I remembered turning 27 and thinking about the year ahead but predicting nothing that had happened. There were some amazing things that happened and then there were some that I would have liked to fast-forward through but maybe not. 27 was a year of growing pains. Maybe it's a superstition but that odd number always did seem challenging to me and it did prove itself to be. I gained friends, I lost friends. I let go. I moved, twice. I ate too much then too little. Changed teams at work, changed again.

Someone recently asked me how I am.

"I'm well. I feel good. I'm trying to push myself a little more. Speak up, challenge myself. Go outside my comfort zone and be more daring."

They probably were just wondering if I was in a good or bad mood but hey, you asked.

Usually I make a list or goal for the year ahead when my birthday comes around. This year there won't be one. I want to live. I want to experience everything that comes my way. I want to open myself to everything that is coming. To not grip. To not wish and want but to be. Be happy and then be sad and then be happy again. Whatever comes will no matter what. I can't wait. 

Photo by Kate Diago

yin

I hesitated with everything I felt and did. I anticipated pain the second I stopped moving. I cautiously sipped my coffee dreaming that it would be too hot and scorch my mouth. I questioned a coworker that he was about to tell me bad news when he was only sharing an invitation with me. I arrived on my mat already full of tears. This was my fifth or sixth yin class - I've never made it through an entire class, let along the first 30 minutes without tears coming. This was the first however that I was anticipating the pain, aches and flood of emotions so much that I was worked up even before I began.

I am today at 63 days straight of yoga. I feel like I'm in a program of sorts announcing something like that but maybe I am. I took Yin Yoga sort of by mistake. I enjoy the teacher in other practices so when I was out of options for that particular day I decided to try it out. It's a practice of clearing energetic blockages and improve the flow of qi. The positions are much like traditional vinyasa practice except you don't move seamlessly from one to another. You move into one and you stay, you stay for 5-10 minutes. Sitting still for that long of time is difficult enough. Dull aches arise and your mind starts pin-ponging from thought to thought, eventually landing on the thought that you've been avoiding all day, all week and here you are - facing it head on.

"When pain arises in the body, look to the mind. Where is that coming from? Where or what is causing the discomfort?"

And then I was there that first class. Laying on my back with my heels together and my hands on my stomach with tears pouring down my face. Physically I've collected enough strength in the past 63 days to push past the ache but emotionally I am not much farther from where I began. The teacher asked us all to not reject any pain that came to us, both physical or emotional but to look to it and allow it to come and then go. The pain was suffering caused by resistance.

There weren't any tears tonight. Once I began I accepted that I wasn't feeling as positive as I had been feeling yesterday but that was fine. I let it go. I didn't deny that my hips felt like they were breaking into pieces. I didn't deny that my heart ached to all ends and that I miss him like crazy. I sat there and saw the thoughts come and go. I saw that every time my pain increased it was because some memory was coming to me. His eyelids sleeping, a favorite pasta recipe.

I think tomorrow I will finally take a break. I attempted a break many times but haven't felt ready to let go of the practice that is physically bringing me back to the place where I feel confident that I can then build back my emotional self. There isn't anymore denial left in me. There's just time and space to move forward.

patience

 

"Patience is not about suffering through discomfort but acknowledging the feelings that arise and greeting them with grace, kindness and acceptance."

Jenny, September 5th

lucky

I walked down the subway steps at Marcy Avenue yesterday and caught the eye of a guy about my age. He was at the bottom clearly waiting for someone, something. He smiled - his whole body smiled. For a split second I thought that he was of course waiting for me but soon realized that I've never seen this person before. His girlfriend trotted down from the steps into his arms. The kissed in the way that seemed comfortable but also a bit passionate. I felt a bit embarrassed to witness their public display of affection. Maybe because I'm ultra sensitive to everything right now, especially people touching.

I thought it was so nice that he waited for her. A simple, small gesture. I know that I'm in this cycle of overanalyzing everything but I'm trying to just let thoughts come and go like my breath. Breathe in a bit of sadness because no one was waiting for me, breathe out acceptance of this time to build myself up a bit.

I got home and Jack followed me into my room. Jack is my roommates 85+ lb mastiff pitbull mix. He mostly represents a hippopotamus because he moves so slowly and stiffly. He looked at me and I told him we could hang out in the living room but not my room, I ran into the living room. Jack stiffly ran and half jumped onto the sofa and flipped himself into me and took half my arm into his mouth. He does this when he's so happy you are there that he wants to actually bite you but he's too gentle to actually cause harm. He made me feel a bit better. I went to yoga (yup, still at it daily) and settled into poses which were held for 5-8 minutes each. Something about bending over my knee made me cry. Tears trickled down my cheeks as my toes went numb and I breathed as deep as humanly possible. I kept coming back to the question of, "When will someone be waiting for me?"

My friends were waiting though after yoga. I collected them at a bar and we went to another to get burgers. We sat and talked about past jobs, current relationships and other people's love lives. It's hard to hear of unhappy relationships right now. I keep coming back to wondering if people know how lucky they are. I felt lucky every single day when I was in a relationship. It's easy to lose focus of that when you're arguing over who needs to take the trash out or if there are shoes on the floor that you tripped over or whatever else makes you annoyed with the other person.

The guy from the subway, he knew he was lucky and I think that's what pulled at my heart strings. Because no matter how lucky you are, sometimes things just don't work out. But the only thing you can do is go home, sit on the sofa with the dog, go to yoga, meet friends for burgers, go home and put yourself to bed. You need to keep going, but don't forget to remember how lucky you are. No matter what situation you find yourself in.

thirty days

I feel sort of mixed up. This was something I started to give myself a sense of belonging. When you lose the sense of having somewhere to go and someone who expects you everyday, it can leave you feeling heavy and overwhelmed. I gave myself one hour and a half to not think, to be and to do. I showed up everyday for myself.

Today is day 30.

It was the worst class in the bunch. I expected to be perfect, balanced. It was a reminder that you work everyday but each day requires more work. No matter how many good days there are - bad ones can come on unexpectedly. It was the worst and the best.

I cannot expect perfection from myself. I cannot criticize bad steps. Sometimes poses that were easy for weeks suddenly strike as difficult. Never expect things to fall into place. Sometimes you lose balance.

I woke up sore. My body changed greatly in 30 days. I feel a bit of sadness that my 30 days are over. What I need to be conscious of is that it is not an end but a beginning. There really is no end because there is always work to do.

I am proud of myself. I am allowing myself this happiness when all I have felt lately is guilt and disappointment. Yoga shows me that I can still push through and find a place to belong. I belong in the exact place I am right now. With these people, in this time, with this awareness.

I found the notebook I had lost for a few days. I was writing down all this newly found knowledge from my classes. Thinking that every time I had a negative thought I could re-read them and feel a bit better. Something more significant happened though, I didn't need them. The wall was behind me as I peeled my legs up into a headstand but I didn't need it. I knew it was there and that was enough. I trusted my body and understood that I was so much stronger than I had originally realized. My body will hold. The biggest smile spread across my face. It was ridiculous - upside down and smiling. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I kicked down to my tippy toes and went into child's pose. I squeezed my feet, a little massage to myself.

Written on Sunday, September 1st

pretty little boxes

 need (noun): a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation.
want (verb): to wish, need, crave, demand or desire.

I've been placing my life into two categories. Two neat bins or boxes. I like to think of them sitting next to each other and placing physical notes in each when thoughts arise. White slips of paper with black ink. The box on the left reads, "want." The box on the right reads, "need."

As a thought arises, it gets written down and placed in its box. Sometimes the want items end up in the need box and later need to be sorted out. Sometimes the opposite happens. This breaks down to the most simple means of life lately. Do I need or want that second cup of coffee this morning? Do I need or want to pick up the phone and call him? Do I need or want that beautiful Helmut Lang jacket… well obviously that's a need.

Demand is such a jarring word. Jarred is such a wonderful description of what I feel right now. Demanding something from someone is so much different than getting something that is necessary. The definitions themselves speak volumes. Everything to describe "want" feels forced with an action that is against a will.

Maybe I didn't want to be sitting on the grass yesterday having a conversation with a friend about how hard things can be sometimes. How people get sick, relationships end, friendships become strained and uncontrollable shifts happen within ourselves. I didn't want to admit that this is maybe what I needed. I didn't want to make you a grass ring to put on your finger because I wanted it to be him and not you. But I needed to be sitting there and I needed you. I needed to have that conversation because I need to feel it all. Maybe I wanted something that I didn't need. Maybe you need something that you didn't want.

Thank you for helping me off the grass. Thank you for helping me place the slips of papers in their boxes.

tried + true

When I was in middle school I realized pretty quickly that girls were complete bullshit.

They would tell me that they liked my jeans and two seconds later tell someone else how terribly they looked and how I thought I was cooler than everyone else. I developed a good sense of which girls were full of shit and which were going to stand by me.

Today, it's not really any different. I've met more people in my life that have stabbed me in the back than who have held my hand. I'm not going to deny that I've probably done it to a few as well. I never really felt like I had to belong to a clique. I was perfectly fine having fewer friends. I also realized that I preferred having guy friends because they didn't stab me in the back. If they were going to be jerks, it was straight forward and forgotten about 2 minutes later.

At 27 I overhead someone once tell another, "Toni doesn't have a lot of friends."

At 27 I felt like I was 12 because it made me terribly sad. I went home, shut the bathroom door and I let myself cry just for a second. Then I went back to bed and to sleep. I thought about it again over the weekend as I sat with a coworker and friend at my new apartment.

"I can't get over this view," she said.
"Well I had to lose everything to get it," I said.

But I didn't have to lose any friends. When I needed them, they were right there. An army of people who were fucking pissed off and ready to help in anyway they could. I always knew but I re-realized, I don't have many friends maybe by other people's standards but the friends I have are some of the most interesting, honest and beautiful people I've ever met. The saddest part is having to call on them for help when I should have been calling on them for happier reasons the whole time. We make time when it's convenient and when bad things happen but it's hard day in and day out when everything is going swimmingly to remember that these are the people that actually do mean the most. Everyone is guilty of it so nobody really blames anyone else. It's something to be conscious of, something to work on.

"We should do this more often," she said.
"We should have been doing this since the last time," I said.

Reach out to someone you haven't spoken to in a while today just to say hi. Because girls can be such bullshit but if you're lucky enough to have those in your life that will stand by you when you need them and when you don't, hang on, those are true blue best friends. I'm so proud of mine.

over the loudspeaker

There is not one person I know that isn't going through some sort of challenge in their life this year.

Before I hit "post" I usually ask myself why I'm writing what I am and why I am sharing it publicly. Some of you may feel that some information would be better kept private or within a relationship, friendship, family, etc. The truth of the matter is, every time I put myself out there it has the potential of reaching someone else who is going through a challenge in their own lives.

Maybe you've come here to look at a recipe, to stalk me a little, to get to know what's going on in my head or simply by mistake. Or maybe you come back because I'm here saying that sometimes shit is really fucked up and that makes you feel a little bit better.

To everyone who has ever sent me messages about the blog, thank you for reading. For those who haven't, thank you too for reading and sticking it out with me. Much love going into the weekend.

no-bake recipe

I haven't made anything in over 2 weeks. I step into the kitchen and the only thing I've been able to grasp is a glass of ice water. That's all I'm capable for right now. My love of cooking and baking blossomed over the past two years by trying new recipes, trusting that messing up is okay and let's be honest, having someone to help me and feed at the end of the day. I've stopped feeding myself by means of my kitchen.

I feed myself by waking up each day and smiling. Making myself smile first before anything else like a crazy person who has lost their damn mind. I smile no matter what - sun up, sun down, rain or shine. For a week I woke up at 4am everyday to smile. If I start with a smile, the day is already on its way up. It's my body saying, "Okay, another day. Be grateful, be honest. Try." It's my mind saying, "You're okay. Even if you aren't, that's okay. You'll get there."

I feed myself by riding my bike. The movement helps me. While everything around me seems to be shaky and scary I was able to do this thing. I was able to pedal my legs and trust that my body would take me there, even if my mind didn't want to. There is so much to be said about physically being able to do something that emotionally you can hardly handle.

I feed myself by practicing yoga. I practice breathing everyday, all day.

Others are feeding me. Friends who ask how I'm doing. Hugs and hellos stitch me together. Family to lean on. I have the strongest people around me, it's like being fed steak and potatoes everyday. Take a bite of their kind hearts and rebuild yourself.

I had a taste of a coworkers quiche yesterday and it made me long for the quiche I make myself. But I'm not going to force it. I'm not ready but when I am I know that the ingredients can be found and the time will be set aside. For now I'm working on my no-bake recipe.

your attention please

I saw you and you saw me. We've never met but we know each other. I don't know the sound of your voice or how you pronounce simple words like tomato or coffee. But for an instant, we saw each other and we couldn't figure out how we were connected - until we did.

Is there a name for this? Is this something that happens to most people now? We're so connected on a non-personal level that our personal face-to-face selves don't even have to say anything, we just keep going, keep walking, keep pedaling.

There was a conversation about continuous partial attention. I like to think of myself as a mega multi-tasker. I can organize a closet while designing a project in my head. I can go for a bike ride and map out the rest of the week and make a grocery list. The problem with this is I'm only partially connected to what I'm doing. My mind leaps from task to task without fully being engaged. One wave of thought crashes into another, while the other builds directly behind it. If I set aside time to organized the closet, then time to design a project - the two may turn out to be more enjoyable and effective. Not convinced?

I'm at dinner with a friend while texting another under the table. All while thinking of what I need to tell my mom when I'm done with dinner. I'm not fully engaged in the person in front of me who may really need that connection. I really need that connection but I'm so used to only being partially focused at any given time that I see this as multitasking, not as a problem to which there is a solution.

I knew you because I saw your photos online from a friend, of a friend, of a coworker, of a friend. How confusing. I'm not even sure how I got there. I know your name, I have already made up my mind of what sort of person you are, I have passed judgement about you and your friends simply because I scanned your gallery. I am partially connected to you, partially engaged. We will never meet, we will never have a conversation but as I passed you I knew you, and you knew me.

I'm working on not allowing my thoughts to leap from one to another so quickly. To sit down and finish a task before moving to another. To understand what it is to be flexible but to also understand what it is to be focused and engaged with my surroundings. Because I passed you and my mind flipped through a million ways that look could play out. I want to be conscious of myself - of others. Not to pass judgement and to have a steady stream of breath which allows myself to let things be as they are, the grace to accept and the confidence to let go.

to lose

 

"It's okay to completely lose your shit for a while. You'll get it back."

Mallory, August 2nd

everything's coming up roses

If you're interested in this post it means one of two things, either you're in a pinch or you straight up forgot that Valentine's Day was this Thursday. I've got what you need, step into my office. Whether you're willing to spend a lot or a little, I have 6 gifts that you can give your sweet and I won't even take credit for the idea.

From top left going clockwise: If you're going for the faint-factor, decorate your lady with the Tiffany sparklers lavender amethyst ring. To soothe her winter skin and make her smell like roses, L'Occitane's rose petals hand cream. For kissable lips, Dior's crème de rose' smoothing plumping lip balm. Treat her to a new statement fragrance such as Marni, exclusively at Saks Fifth Avenue. (If you buy now you'll get a free cosmetic bag with purchase, I picked up mine this weekend and am over the hill with the scent!) Fill up her (or your shared) apartment with the a duet of diptyque's best scents, rose + baies. Last but not least, flowers are always a sure bet. I've been using Park Avenue Florists for my latest celebrations for friends. Their beautiful designs can be sent directly to her office or pick them up on your way to see her.

Sending love to everyone out there.

coffee courting

The 14th of February is approaching whether you like it or not. Last year I was semi-single and not expecting much on the day. I made small heart pins for some of my co-workers to help spread some love around. I was surprised when I asked a few people and they said no! That they were against any sort of Valentines Day celebrating… it never occurred to me to take such a strong stance. Nevertheless, those who accepted the heart pin wore it around and I think it made them feel just a little bit fuzzy that day.

I said "semi-single" did you catch that? I was crushing big time but it was a bit difficult having that we worked about 10 feet from each other. My day usually began with Chris and I going to Starbucks to get our coffee and to spend a few minutes being flirty (he) and giddy (me). We were very conscious to not bringing any sort of relationship into the workplace so that morning coffee was sometimes the only time of the day where I could blush and not be embarrassed or feel that I had a dozen eyes on me. On Valentines Day I came into work expecting for the normal routine when I saw that my drink was already on my desk. My heart sunk into my butt.

So if you're in a relationship or not come the 14th, do something nice for someone you know. Even if it's a friendly gesture. Who knows in a years time what that could turn into.

busy bee

The New York Times recently wrote an article about all of us being oh-so-busy. The most alarming thing about this article was that I felt like I was reading an excerpt from my daily dialogue. I've found since moving to New York City that I've often been too busy to go to the gym, eat healthy, dress well, see friends, see family, take a vacation, take a lunch, take a coffee break and/or date. After reading I made a pact with myself that whenever anyone asks me how I've been or how my day was, I cannot respond with "busy." Even if it was the most busy day of my entire life, I have to find another word to describe my day or current state. Being busy has become my default state and an excuse for anything I don't want to do. There are 24 hours in the day, for heaven's sake no one is that busy.

There are times to buckle down but there are also times where stepping outside for lunch or leaving on time so that you can take a run around the neighborhood can be the most important and inspirational. I owe some of this to the culture around my job. I'm told often to take a break or leave so that I am well rested or can enjoy the beautiful day. Would you ever hear a heart surgeon complain about how busy they are? I'm not saving lives designing perfume and cosmetic packaging so why am I complaining and using "busy" as an excuse to avoid having to put in extra work or time with friends and family?

Yesterday was educational. I collaborated with a sister company on a project, spoke to a vendor about the best way to achieve a design, searched for images for an upcoming campaign, organized glass inspiration and stepped out for a 45 minute lunch where I sat in Herald Square and wrote a postcard out to my family. If I would have said my day was busy then no one would have wanted to hear me complain about having to do all the things above. Busy seems to have a negative outlook. I don't want to be busy anymore, I want to be involved.

coasting along

The main reason I work out is so I can eat whatever I please. I'm not talking about chocolate cake for every meal but if the moment strikes me, I want to eat whatever it is and not feel guilty and awful. Big Sur Bakery was one of the checkpoints in my simple coastal road trip list. As we left Deetjens, I mentioned it to Matt but we were unsure if we had passed it the previous day or if it was still north of where we began that morning. Keeping things laid back we decided we'd stop if we saw it, if we didn't then we'd have to forget about it. We had an entire coastline to see and wanted to make it to San Francisco by that evening.

Luckily about 10 minutes down the road we found the bakery. We also spotted a sign that said the next gas station wasn't for 40 miles so we figured we could do with a snack and a fill. The bakery was lovely AND they had my favorite muffin, lemon poppy seed with icing. I didn't get coffee only because I still had a full cup for Deetjen's in the console. Even though we had only been on the road for 10 minutes, we took a break and walked around the garden and sat in the sun to eat our treats. The garden was eclectic and hodge-podge with different little sculptures and trinkets. We filled up and off we went. Side note: there was another gas station only 5 or so minutes away so the sign was completely wrong. Nonetheless, we were happy to have stopped.

The fourth day was mostly spent touring the coast. We stopped often to take photos and walk along the beach and cliffs. At Garrapata we walked down to the beach and spoke to a few others who others who traveled near and far to walk along the coast. A few more miles down the road we stopped again. Here we walked along the cliffs and started jogging when we heard echoes of otters barking. We found a stop where we could carefully climb to the edge of the cliffs to look for those otters we had heard. Only minutes before we headed back up the rock because of the strong tide and the fear that the waves would soon reach us, we saw a sea otter flipped around and floating on his back along the waves. We realized that the echoes we heard were bouncing off of the cliffs from a small island further out in the ocean. The otters were out of our reach but at least we got to see one before we had to get back in the car.
 

Knowing that I couldn't visit California without one actual beach day, we set our minds to Carmel-by-the-sea. The small charming town was not at all what I had imagined. At my previous job I had worked with a client who was holding her wedding here. I had thought it would be a much more built up town. I was happily surprised that it was a low-key beach stop where dogs over numbered people on the beach. We laid out for a few hours and climbed a few trees for an impromptu photo shoot.

Off again we stopped briefly to enjoy lunch at Michaels on Main in Soquel. Soquel was an odd little town but we were happy to be out of the car and eating having that we were absolutely starving. This place had a sure trend of putting garlic in everything. We figured since we were both eating it, the other wouldn't be able to tell. We also hit up happy hour which meant a cool beer for me and icy margarita for Matt.
The sky was bright and sunny the entire day. That was until we started seeing signs that we were approaching San Francisco. I almost wanted to just turn around. We had sun and warmth the entire trip thus far and now it was dark and gloomy. If this was how San Francisco was, I didn't want to stay. Once we got to the Hotel Majestic though, my mood had completely changed. This boutique hotel was right up my alley. It seemed like a throw back in time and I was happy to be out of the car and staying for a full two days without having to drive. As I unpacked, Matt went down to deal with parking the car and surprise me with a Majestic drink and snack. A Majestic was a lime, basil, vodka type drink which was exactly what I was in the mood for. Accompanying the drink were spicy strawberries and sliced apples. This set the tone for our Cajun meal at The Elite Cafe that night.
The Elite Cafe was on Fillmore Street in San Francisco where many restaurants and stores could be found. The art deco styled restaurants boasted perfectly made Manhattans so we started there. I ordered seafood gumbo to start and jonnycakes as my meal. Matt enjoyed jambalaya which came in a huge iron skillet, made for two. We finished the meal with a trio of sorbet and two cappuccinos. Our waiter was a true gentlemen and after we finished we learned that the restaurant had actually closed over an hour ago but he didn't want to rush our meal! Full and exhausted from the day we walked back to the hotel. I say walked but really we climbed. The only thing I knew about the city was it's legendary hills which I really got a taste of the following day.

*Most, if not all of the photography shown for the next few days and linked to this trip was taken by Matt. You can see more of his work here. 

intermission

Here we are half way through our trip. While I'm posting a minimal amount of all the beautiful photos captured along the way, I wanted to be sure that everyone was able to see what I am not posting. The link below shows more of the trip and of the lovely things we saw. Enjoy.
 
click click

zebra rich

We were only three days in but we were already running low on battery for Matt's camera. Thank goodness for smart phones and gps because soon we were off to San Luis Obispo and the closest camera shop. Rolling hills and miles of vineyards were all around us. I'll admit that at some parts I was completely anxious because of how windy the roads were. I had no idea what was ahead for Big Sur.
 
While the battery charged at the camera store, we took it upon ourselves to walk around and see what the town had to offer. The first stop was the gum alley. An entire alley were people stuck their bubble gum. Those who know me personally know that my face scrunched up and I didn't want anything to do with this part of our unguided tour. But being the ham that I am, I went and stood so Matt could at least get a picture. We also found an additional camera shop that had the type of car charger we needed and while Matt settled that, I went next door to Cowboy Cookie for a cowboy chip (chocolate chip). While on our way back to pick up the additional battery we left at the first store we were passed by a guy on a bike with a parrot for a passenger.
Next stop was Hearst Castle in San Ysidro. We arrived to find the castle set up on a great mountain. We had reservations for the grand tour which took up by bus all the way up. On the way we wound to and fro around the hill and Alex Trebek (by tape) spoke to us about the property. The road was built around the trees and the landscape. The property once held the largest private zoo and still there today is a herd of 60 zebra which is how "zebra rich" was born. The tour took us inside the main house and through several rooms and ended in the theater room where a short film was shown. The film was a home video of the castle's family and guests who visited. A-list movie stars, great producers, models and business men all sat just were we were sitting. For the rest of the time, we were left to explore the property. 
 
The photos do this great castle no justice which I know makes Matt cringe as he reads this. But this is something you have to explore first hand to understand the grandeur and lavish lifestyle of this place. Every detail was thought about and the entire project by the architect, Julia Morgan took 28 years to complete. While there were a million things I loved about this experience the top three would have to be....
1. The lemon trees. These trees became somewhat of an obsession throughout the trip. Every time I saw them I would make this weird melt face that I knew I was making but I really couldn't help it! I just thought they were so lovely and while we were in West Hollywood our first day at the Saint Patrick's day party, I was filled with jealously because the host had one in her front yard. 
 
2. The golden statues on top of the fountains. Golden hot in the sun, these really set the marble off. They were unexpected and expected at the same time. Just another great detail that went into the magnificence of the castle.
 
3. The indoor pool. I am a fish out of water. This indoor pool was beyond amazing. The light hit in certain places, statues were placed neatly around and the hues of blue made everything feel a bit cheeky and exotic. It felt like a place where lovers would gather for a midnight swim. I imagine the tile at the bottom to be smooth and lovely on one's feet. It was stunning.

Back down the mountain, Alex Trebek thanked us for our visit and spoke about some more of the history. We jumped in the car and headed down the road only to stop a record amount of times for photos and breath-taking views. On the coast elephant seals greeted us with yawns and kisses. Also let me note that the squirrels were ungodly friendly and Matt got up in their face for photos which really freaked me out.
It is most difficult for me to accurately describe the beauty of Big Sur's coastline. When I wasn't having a complete anxiety attack because were literally driving on the edge of cliffs, I was speechless because of the views. Golden rock, teal and blue water. Where the edge of the world meets the sky. In an attempt to not totally freak out and have Matt hate my guts for constantly grabbing at the door or dashboard, I took photos of what was around me. On "Toni mode" or more basically automatic, it doesn't take much of a photographer to capture anything and everything around. If I imagine the most beautiful place in the world, I imagine this place.

But if I imagine the most comfortable, pleasant sleep I've ever had, Deetjens wins. Both hands way down. A friend-of-a-friend originally from Big Sur told me to stay, as well as a coworker. I will forever recommend that anyone passing through or looking for a place to completely unwind should go here. Stay for one night or stay forever.
 
We were right on a cliff, neatly tucked in the woods. There are no locks on the doors. No tv, internet or cell service. We stayed in the champagne room which consisted of a king size bed, a simple bathroom, a chair and a wood burning stove. The host took it upon herself to make us a dinner reservation at the restaurant/office when we arrived and checked in. Checking in by the way was signing a small notebook with my name and home address. We showered and made our way to dinner by 8:30. The sun had set and it was surprisingly cool being in the woods and right next to the ocean. Just as we had the best wine the night before, this was the best meal. Matt in true Texan form had filet mignon with goat cheese mash potatoes. I had seared duck with mashed sweet potatoes and spinach. We ate slow. A small trio of musicians played directly behind us. We shared a bottle of wine and kept shaking our heads in an unsaid, "Can you believe this food, this place, this music?" manner. I felt like I was sitting in a friends home. Rustic and casual which mix matched furniture and trinkets around the room. Full and tired we head back to the room. Matt built a fire and off to dreamland we went. We decided to hike to the top of the cliff, above the Deetjens for sunrise photos the next morning.

It could have been the wine, the food, all the sight seeing the last few days but I blame it on the bed and the smell. The wood burning stove had left a faint wood smell in the sheets and my hair. We couldn't get up, we couldn't MOVE. So after several snooze hits we forewent the sunrise photos and slept a few more hours. We did however hike up around 10 to find ourselves above the clouds.
Many photos later we packed up and headed out. Out of everything we did and saw there was something so wonderful about this place that I can't put my finger on. I loved every single second I spent there. If you go and end up in the champagne room please look for my journal entry and leave one of your own (a journal is left in each room for guests to jot down and thoughts, stories or simple drawings). If I had to choose between zebra rich and the Deetjens, I would spend all of my days at Deetjens with my hair smelling faintly of smoke and my heart light and airy. 

*Most, if not all of the photography shown for the next few days and linked to this trip was taken by Matt. You can see more of his work here.