coffee courting

The 14th of February is approaching whether you like it or not. Last year I was semi-single and not expecting much on the day. I made small heart pins for some of my co-workers to help spread some love around. I was surprised when I asked a few people and they said no! That they were against any sort of Valentines Day celebrating… it never occurred to me to take such a strong stance. Nevertheless, those who accepted the heart pin wore it around and I think it made them feel just a little bit fuzzy that day.

I said "semi-single" did you catch that? I was crushing big time but it was a bit difficult having that we worked about 10 feet from each other. My day usually began with Chris and I going to Starbucks to get our coffee and to spend a few minutes being flirty (he) and giddy (me). We were very conscious to not bringing any sort of relationship into the workplace so that morning coffee was sometimes the only time of the day where I could blush and not be embarrassed or feel that I had a dozen eyes on me. On Valentines Day I came into work expecting for the normal routine when I saw that my drink was already on my desk. My heart sunk into my butt.

So if you're in a relationship or not come the 14th, do something nice for someone you know. Even if it's a friendly gesture. Who knows in a years time what that could turn into.

putting on the spritz

Recently my days have been… stressful to say the least. Times where I feel stretched to my limit always remind me of endless hours spent in the design studio. Another student who was a year ahead of me always seemed to be on top of her game, even in times of complete chaos. You would never know that she had been in the studio all night because she presented herself calm, cool and collected. Lipstick on, hair clean and neat. She gave me a bit of advice that has stuck with me since that day. "I always try to look nice because getting dressed and putting on my makeup is sometimes the only good part of my day."

When I feel beat up because of the daily grind sometimes I wear my favorite dress or lipstick to pick me up. I may feel like I'm falling apart but that doesn't mean I need to look it. More than anything my fragrance picks me up the most. Above is what currently is on display on my bureau.

Top row, left to right: Coco Mademoiselle, Chanel Chance, Balenciaga Paris, Balenciaga L'Essence and Bottega Veneta. Bottom row, left to right: LAVANILLA Laboratoreis Vanilla Grapefruit, Vera Wang Lovestruck, Clinique Happy, Prada Infustion d'Iris and Marc Jacobs Splash in Fig (no longer available).

the clog

My bathtub has a tendency to clog. One day I'll randomly look down to see my feet submerged in water. I get out, towel off and by the time I'm dressed I have already forgotten about the clog and the excess water has drained. Until the next time which will be when I'm especially late and am left with sudsy feet and a mental note to pick up drano on my way home from work. I always forget to deal with the clog until it's so bad that it takes a bottle of extra strength drano and at times, the maintenance man to snake my drain. This, for those of you know who know me and how OCD I can be know that this isn't about cleanliness but about addressing the problem. At 25 years old, I am incredibly good at ignoring the problem until like my bathtub, I am filled to the brim and overflowing.

I know that it's there but each day is less convenient than the last. I forget until something else adds to the pile and I remember that I had poor feelings at all. I look down, I look up and wonder how the water got so high. Time and time again I curse myself for not taking care of it right away. Letting it build and allowing it to get more about more out of hand. My feet prune-like, my heart heavy.

Once the clog is gone and my feet don't slip on suds, I go back to my daily routine, thank the maintenance guy who murmurs on his way out in half English, half Spanish that next time to him call earlier. "Don't let it build mami," as he walked down the hallway, "one day it will not be fixed." 

This post is dedicated to Kate. xo

don't stay

I don't like when you stay here.

I don't like that you take up more than your half of the bed. That you use pillows that are are not for sleeping but for decorating. That you kick the covers off and I have to drag them back onto the bed 10 times over.

I don't like that you make my sheets smell like you. The smell that's hardly there but seems to stay for days after you are gone. That when I wake up I feel like I smell more like you than me.

I don't like that I can't move you. Not even an inch. You fall asleep and you are dead weight. That your arms are much too long and that they pull me and tuck me into the position that is comfortable for you. That I become your rag doll and that you drag me from one half of the bed to the other without effort. That if I move an inch away that you pull me two inches closer.

I don't like that you breathe on me when you sleep. That you don't care that you're sometimes so close that I can hardly breathe myself. That your hair gets in my face and that your beard scratches my face and neck.

I don't like when you stay here because I wake up the next three nights thinking you are still here. I don't like it because I don't like when you leave.

what's yours is mine

In a hurry to get out of the apartment and to the gym before laziness sets in, I quickly nabbed a shirt from my dresser. Halfway down the hall and halfway on my body I realized that it wasn't my shirt. It was mine because it was in my room buried under sweaters and random gym attire but it was more a relic of the past.

More than once I've found items that once belonged to boyfriends. Shirts, socks and/or sweaters show up unannounced and at moments where I'd rather they stay hidden in my drawer. They are those pieces that I used to wear to brunch Sunday when I was too lazy to put on my own tighter, more "fashionable" clothes. Items that smelled familiar and warm. Memories of running to get ice cream in the middle of the night because it went well with the movie we were watching and dressing head to toe in his clothes.

I think one of the most ridiculous things about a breakup is the "getting together of the things." I've always thought to just leave them and forget about it but the thought of me leaving and my things remaining always felt awkward and wrong. I'd rather clear the cabinet out rather than someone else having to. The problem is you can never get rid of it all and much like the memories that remain so does that one shirt that you happen to grab on a day where you already weren't feeling up to par. Well whatever, I put it on anyway and even though it no longer smells like him and all I'm doing is running errands or to the gym at least I know that it still fits and maybe one day I'll return it. But then again, maybe not.

unplugged

In January I lost my phone. I left it in a bar while out with friends. I was sick of answering texts, set it on our table and slipped into the crowd only to find hours later that I was inconveniently disconnected to the world. I know it sounds dramatic but I had no way to reach my family, friends or the phone provider. I speak to my parents daily and often more than once. I knew that they had probably tried to call and had most likely gotten my voicemail. I had a feeling they were starting to worry. I couldn't contact my friends to see if many one of them grabbed it knowing it was mine before they left. I couldn't contact the phone provider to say my phone was missing and to please disconnect the line so that no one calls Asia or Australia, hacks my email or social media accounts. I promptly signed onto Facebook and twitter and messaged my sister and friends that my phone was gone, I was alive and to contact me by means of my roommate until further notice.

At first, this was such a pain in the ass. I didn't have Facebook at my fingertips. I couldn't tweet annoying things about what I was doing at that moment. I couldn't text anyone that I was running late and that I'd be there soon. What I learned was this; Facebook is a waste of time, twitter doesn't care what you are doing and sending a text for being late is a bad excuse for just taking too long in the shower. I realized that there is something really lovely about being disconnected from everything.

Fast forward to today. It's slow so I am doing minor projects to fill my time until I am briefed on the next project. I refresh my blog stats, my twitter feed, check my phone for texts and I absolutely hate it. I can't stand that I am so plugged in that I rely on these things during the day to keep myself entertained. I recently deactivated my personal Facebook account to help ease myself away from the social media bubble. I can't tell you how much drama that has saved me from in my life. Who cares about who went from in a relationship to single or posted photos from their drunken night out with people you barely know anymore. I know that there are benefits to being always in the loop but sometimes I wish that I weren't at all. That way I couldn't obsess over how many people are reading this post right now, where friends are having lunch via 4square or deciphering tweets and texts. Is it me or are we all just a little too plugged in to what everyone else is up to?

anonymous design

When I was younger and still living with my parents I always thought in situations that didn't please me, "I will remember this for my own kids, I will never do that to them." Even then I knew I was being dramatic and usually I was able to see the point they were trying to make. Now that I'm at the old age of 25 I'm thinking about that situation in a different light. I'm talking about a situation that I bet 99% of designers face. The "when I'm an art director/creative director I will never do that to my designers/team" situation.

Have you ever had one of your bosses/managers/directors do something or say something that either made you want to fall to the floor in tears in frustration or hurl a desk across the room in anger? It's not criticism I'm talking about. I'm talking about owning your work and getting credit where credit is due. Let me set the scene for you.

It's understood that when you work for a brand that you will not be able to sign your work like a painter or sculptor would. You acknowledge that you work for Company X and that Company X will (hopefully) get praised for the project you slaved and obsessed over. Your name will not appear at the end of the commercial, at the bottom poster, on the lower right hand corner of the box. But throughout the company and to those in the industry, you will shine. How naive for a young designer like myself to think. I never realized how hurtful taking credit for the work of others could be until I had been in both situations.

As I stood in front of my concepts and designs this week in front of first my art director, then my senior director, then my marketing director and still more directors and presidents to follow I realized something. Those "fall to the floor in tears" situations swing both ways. Both when someone takes complete credit for the designs you've created and when someone 2, 3 or 4 levels above you looks you straight in the eye and says, "Wow. Wonderful. These are great." They pull others over, they talk about you in other meetings, they are happy that you are there to be a part of their team. Learning from now both situations I am putting this in the back of my head for when I reach my own design dream job as an art director one day.

Give credit to where credit is do. Celebrate those who did the work. Acknowledge their work. You have no idea how beat down you can get when the opposite happens.

I left work and cried. Out of relief. Out of complete happiness. The moment where my art director pointed to me when her boss asked who had worked on the concept. You have no idea how grateful I was for that moment. Those moments make me want to push forward even harder, to really shine even brighter next time. You could have hated it all but the fact that you said it was my work went above and beyond. Thank you.

the loss of living

Sometimes it's not death that takes someone away from you but life. Moving away from your childhood town, leaving for college, and starting your adult life in another city are all physical moves that push you closer to some and further from others. What about emotional moves? Decisions that turn into gateways for some friendships or relationships but dead ends for others. We are never the same people we were in the past and we are forever changing. Sometimes that change, no matter what, pulls you further from the people you originally thought would always be there. Remember your first boyfriend/girlfriend and how you thought you'd be together forever? Maybe some of you are lucky enough to have that thought turn into reality but most of us aren't. You pass these people at different points in your life and realize that you both have changed into people who are barely recognizable from that 14 year old state. This is not the boy I drove around with singing Craig David's "Seven Days" (yes, it's true, I know every word).

Through all of my heartbreaks, I've never had a worse heartbreak than from a best friend. Boyfriends seem to come and go but my girlfriends are a constant in my life. I've realized that as we get older, my group of close friends shrink. Between work, boyfriends, and life in general, the time I spend with friends is more specific. As relationships and friendships fade or grow stronger I've let go of all negative feelings and move forward with the understanding that sometimes there is nothing else you can do.

This post is dedicated to Mallory who was my 7th grade enemy until she told all the mean girls to go to hell during lunch when I was told there was no room for me at their table. That's love.

speak the truth, even if your voice shakes

I've learned so many things by moving out of my small town in Pennsylvania. Things that have lifted me up and things that have let me down but most of all, how to deal with both. While I truly believe everyone deals with their problems differently, the core to everyone's internal struggle may be that we lie to ourselves. It's hard to take ourselves outside of our own situations to realize what is happening and how to find the solution. Acknowledging a problem or a bad habit to yourself is beyond difficult. Assessing the problem and dealing with it yourself is almost impossible. In New York, I'd say more often than not, our friends, coworkers, bosses and significant others see therapists for this exact reason. It takes complete strangers to get to the root of the problem. But why can't we do this ourselves? I refuse to spend money on something I am sure I can do myself which is why I've developed my own therapy session with myself as both the patient and the therapist.

Whenever I'm feeling especially down over anything; friends, family, work, significant others, etc. I do a simple trick, I speak the truth to myself. I know this sounds simple and a bit crazy but have you ever openly spoken the dead truth about a problem your facing? 9 times out of 10 you know what the solution is. The problem is the solution is often harder than ignoring the issue itself, it's not your ideal situation and is inconvenient and messy. Before you can admit your wrong doings to anyone else, it's a good idea to admit them to yourself. Unhappy with a friend? Say it out loud. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself how. Ask yourself when this started and how you see it ending. The most important thing about this is saying it out loud. Be completely honest. You'll probably cry but you might start to realize where it stemmed from. You'll feel a ton better and begin to organize your thoughts. You'll begin to heal.

While I fully understand that this isn't for everyone, it really has helped me. Lay down, sit on the sofa, go for a walk and find a good spot in the park, say it in the shower, whatever works for you. But once you are fully 100% honest with yourself, all those knowing truths inside you will come out and you'll be able to begin the process and be able to assess whatever you're dealing with more responsibly, all beginning with realizing you're responsible for yourself.

routinely regular

"At two o'clock we go to the sitting room"

Some of us, more than others crave consistency in our daily routines. While some days may fly by with meetings, deadlines and to-do lists, some days slowly tread on without much to look forward to. What if at 1:00 in the afternoon everyday you had the option of heading to the beach to relax or at 5:00 in the early evening you routinely gathered with friends over small plates and decadent desserts? Doesn't that sound much better than having to rush lunch while quickly answering emails? Below are a few routines from the past and present that different parts of the world consistency take part in. I would love to hear more if you'd care to comment and share!

Spain - a siesta or midday nap usually in the early afternoon after lunch due to high afternoon temperatures and a heavy lunch. Originally this nap concept was put in place so that people could take time to hang out with their friends and family, how nice!

United Kingdom - tea time which originated in England is accompanied by light sandwiches, scones, cakes and pastries. Low tea or afternoon tea is taken between 2pm-5pm while high tea is taken between 5pm-7pm.

United States - one of the only routines American culture takes part in during the week is happy hour. Originating from the prohibition era, drinking prior to dinner served as a way for adults to hide cocktail parties at a speakeasy before heading to dinner where alcohol was illegal to be served.

Islam - the daily practice of prayer called salah is performed five times a day. Each prayer is performed at a prescribed time of the day.

collector's edition

How do you note your life? Do you scrapbook, keep a journal or take tons of photos? I am a collector. I wish I had time for a scrapbook, the patience and eye for photography and while I do keep a journal, it's full of writing but lacks visuals. Open my bedside table and you will find several small boxes. These boxes contain various clips from places and moments. Rather than getting caught up in how to perfectly display vacations, weekend events and everyday treasures, these small boxes allow me to easily keep things that I love in one place. Below is an example of what you might find if you spy into these small boxes which are adornments in themselves;

Boxes - perfume, jewelry and candy. Part of being a designer is being in awe of perfect printing techniques and new and different constructions of various containers. Even these boxes were selected carefully to keep my items safe.

Tickets - movie, train, plane, social event, sporting event, museum, etc. Events that shaped moments and memories special and unforgettable to me. Looking at these make me remember those past places, events and people I shared them with.

Perfume Slips - papers, tabs, stems and ribbons. I've always been obsessed with smells which trigger memories for me so easily.

Notes - friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, family and strangers: Things to remind myself how wonderful the people in my life are, present and past.

Tags - clothing, ribbon and gift certificates. Again a design obsession with printing, packing and branding.

Mini Perfume Bottles - I don't have nearly enough of these but I do love them.

Et Cetera - Matchbooks, business cards, specialty papers, fortune cookie slips, stickers, magazine clips of wanted wardrobe items or hair and makeup how-to's and random 3D objects such as a worry doll, animals, buttons and beads.

Maybe you have one of these boxes too. Some of your might refer to this as your "junk drawer" but mine's a bit to organized and contained to be labeled as such. Ideally I'd like to transfer all of these items into a vintage trunk to be kept in my home. But without the trunk or space currently, these boxes will have to do.

cry baby

Everyone shows their emotions differently; you scream, jump up and down, become silent, smile or frown and everyone, from time to time, cries. Whether from sadness or joy, why do we cry? When faced with troublesome news, the stress of the day or maybe just lack of sleep, we find ourselves with our faces in our hands and with tears streaming. There are three types of tears. Basal tears keep our eyes moist. Reflex tears cleanse our eyes of irritants, in the case of allergies or when cutting an onion for example. And finally, emotional tears are hormonal induced. The same nerves responsible for reflex tears reach deeper into the brain to the cerebrum which deals with emotional responses. When emotions hit in the cerebrum, hormones are released which trigger glands behind your eyes to produce tears. The emotions are triggered most commonly by stress. The positive or negative stress of good or bad news floods each of our systems differently causing various responses. Those more "sensitive" therefore produce higher levels of hormones to be released causing stronger responses, like crying.

Have you ever been in a situation which you don't really want to cry it out right there and then? Because of the hormones, holding back tears actually produces more stress making it even harder to hold in. The release of tears by crying acts as a physical release of hormones which is why, you really do feel better after letting it out and crying. Next time try focusing on the process rather than the reason to calm yourself down. Now we know, it's proven - cry it out and you'll feel better.

up in smoke

Remember the kids who used to smoke under the bleachers in high school? And in the present, people who stand outside bars in the dead of winter to take long drags of their skinny cigarettes? I was never one of those people. Today however, as the day slowly creeps by, I wish I had the excuse of smoking to be able to step outside. There are other times that smoking seemed appealing to me such as being an intern and witnessing Williamsburg, Brooklyn for the first time and realizing that everyone was smoking around me while dressed up like it was Halloween in mid-July. When I pass a model on break who looks straight out of a Calvin Klein ad looking ultra bored and flawless in Soho. When "got a light" serves as a pick up line that never sounds cheesy because it's a legit question that leads to a conversation. While drinking a martini at a swanky city club. And finally because it actually does look like it warms you up in February when everything is dead and cold around you. I find no appeal to it other than the superficial, silly reasons above but it would give me 10 minutes outside every few hours to enjoy the sunshine.

buffet belief

My beliefs seem to be of buffet style. Ideas and concepts taken from here and there to make up my own personal set of rules. By definition I am Presbyterian but throughout my 25 years of life I've realized that at times, other religions seemed to better help explain why and how I was put here on earth. One of my favorite concepts and beliefs is karma. Originating from Buddhism, karma can easily be defined as getting exactly what you deserve. While I can't say I've ever believed in one God, I do believe in a network of players who help mold and change the world. What sort of Gods would make one suffer without a reason or make another happy without reason? You get what you deserve and like we've all heard a million times before "do onto others as you'd like done onto yourself."

I've never seen karma as a punishment but more as an extension of another's acts and attitudes. Wherever there is a cause, there is an effect. Visually, think of it as a ping pong game. You can ping back and forth but if you strike the ball too hard on purpose and it flies off the table, expect it to come back in the same manner. It may not be right away and it may be when you least expect it, but be sure that it will happen. The focus of karma helps keep my own moral code in line. I may be on the cause or effect end of any situation and I have the power to change the outcome by focusing on a positive solution. Each day I try to add simple karma points to my universal score board. Simple tasks like holding doors for others, saying please and thank you or buying an extra coffee for a homeless person I (sadly) pass almost every morning. While I'm unsure how these "points" will help me in the end, I do hope that my own karma affects others positively. How do you settle your own score?

here & there

They say "location, location, location."

Well, they have a point. Do you ever stop in the midst of your busy day and fully grasp where you are? Not your work, not your family or friends, not what you are wearing or what you might be chowing down on at lunch but where. The places you've been to get to where you are in the present. As you read this, are you in the suburbs, a city, the country? In an office, house, apartment, school room, park? Are you somewhere you love or are you somewhere you hate? Maybe it's just somewhere to get you to the next somewhere that you'd rather be.

I am here. In my apartment in New York City. I'm half sticking to my chair with a fan fulling blasting on my face. It smells faintly of pineapple and shampoo. My hair is half dry, blowing behind me. When I think of how many other people around me are doing simple things like tucking their children into bed, checking locked doors, kissing their loved ones, having another beer with friends - it's calming. Suddenly everything seems a bit smaller and more attainable. Life doesn't seem so overwhelming and my to-do list, only half checked off, doesn't taunt me. I realize that I am. I am here. While there are things that I've bitched about today, reasons why I'd like to pick up my shit and go somewhere else, things that made me what to toss my arms up and scream, it all seems far away now.

This is something I do before I go to bed each night. I stop, I realize, I breathe. I think about everything around me. I zoom out to the people around me. Zoom out again to the whole city, the state, the continent. I am here, I did what I could today and that's enough. I write my 5 blessings down, put my notebook back in my drawer and turn off the light.

I'd love to hear where you are while you read this.

déjà vu

Do you believe in reincarnation? I think in a previous life I lived in Paris, wore gowns, drank champagne, ate macarons and lived in a gold gilded chateau. I dream of the chance to up and leave to move to Paris. Funny how this is a dream yet I've never visited. I just feel like it would be much more my pace.

c'est la vie

I officially moved this weekend to the Upper West Side in Manhattan. We handed in our keys on Sunday and it felt semi-ceremonial closing the door to that apartment one last time and opening a new chapter of my life. The weekend before the move I painted my room a cool silver blue. Half the reason I selected the color was because of the name, French Silver. I'm into everything Parisian, more so lately than normal. The hues in the photos above are spot on for the feeling of my new, slightly smaller, bedroom. Once I am able to get rid of a few items, like this pink desk and find my dream desk, it'll be perfect. Oh and of course find a chandelier because with 12' ceilings, why not?

shades of white

While my illustrator saves a project I thought I'd pop over for a Friday hello. It's been snowing all day here in NYC leaving the city pretty, quiet and very movie-esque. Above is a mood board for the day. Too cold to wear something like this but it reminds me of what snow looks like when it falls; shading everything white but still being transparent rather than opaque. Have a wonderful weekend. xo

something blue

Awoke to the sound of rain this morning which means I didn't get up until the last possible minute. I've been having the worst time sleeping for a few days. I tried to pull my blinds, making everything pitch black, window open, window close, tea before bed, extra blankets, more clothes, less clothes, but nothing has changed. I wake up with nightmares lingering, you know that feeling? Sometimes a change of atmosphere helps, maybe tonight I'll crash in the living room. Anyway, not to bore you all with my sleepless nights. Mood board for the rain today. The sky was the most perfect gray-blue this morning when I finally did get out of bed. These pictures capture the color, softness, reflection and overall attitude of my morning. Have a good Tuesday.

moody gray

Waking up to the rain always puts in me in a odd mood. Kind of slinky-slow like I just drank a bottle of wine. I'm starting to wake up now but the board above visually describes my mood. Happy Thursday, one more day until weekend bliss.