dream a little dream

There are so many steps. They begin at a normal height and width but continuously grow taller and wider so that I have to sit down and skooch to the edge on my butt to get to the next. I'm trying to get to the bottom because I am late. Full of anxiety and a rush of adrenaline because I know I'm going to take a bad step and fall. Smooth, cool metal. Blue hue with a perfect brushed metal texture. The steps, they slant at the most absurd angle. Look up to take a breath to see the most modern looking chandelier full of small metal loops. They hang down and look like rain falling from the sky. I continue going down.

Sometimes when I wake up I have a lingering dream that is just out of reach to recall. Sometimes though the details are so vivid that I swear it wasn't a dream at all. All those fucking steps. Even my hands were cool enough to have made me think I really was using them to guide me down as they grew more steep. So I got up and went to the bathroom. I keep a small guide to dream book on the back of the toilet. I mostly love the illustrations but time to time when I have an alarming dream, something so vivid, I'll take a peek. Brushing my teeth I found "steps."

Ascended + Descending
280 Steps and Stairs
With its rhythmic motion, going up and down steps or stairs presents a Freudian symbol of intercourse. A long, straight staircase is something a phallic symbol, just a the stairwell may symbolize the female genitalia. More modern interpretations may view climbing stairs as an expression of personal growth and developing emotional maturity. Descending or falling down stairs may express anxiety about "climbing too high" in some aspect of your life - that is, overestimating your abilities.

Well I'll be damned. Spot on. Recovering from surgery which links me to the Freudian symbol of female genitalia (Sorry to be so… honest here). And for the modern interpretation, I have a terrible habit of promising more to people in life and at work that sometimes I'm able to handle. I've been spread a bit thin lately but working on being more conscious of what I can achieve and within what time limit. I'm trying to climb high, as high as humanly possible. But climbing up requires a good foundation and confidence for each step. I never did fall in my dream. I reached the bottom and literally smashed through the last step. Yeah, take that weird dream.

don't stay

I don't like when you stay here.

I don't like that you take up more than your half of the bed. That you use pillows that are are not for sleeping but for decorating. That you kick the covers off and I have to drag them back onto the bed 10 times over.

I don't like that you make my sheets smell like you. The smell that's hardly there but seems to stay for days after you are gone. That when I wake up I feel like I smell more like you than me.

I don't like that I can't move you. Not even an inch. You fall asleep and you are dead weight. That your arms are much too long and that they pull me and tuck me into the position that is comfortable for you. That I become your rag doll and that you drag me from one half of the bed to the other without effort. That if I move an inch away that you pull me two inches closer.

I don't like that you breathe on me when you sleep. That you don't care that you're sometimes so close that I can hardly breathe myself. That your hair gets in my face and that your beard scratches my face and neck.

I don't like when you stay here because I wake up the next three nights thinking you are still here. I don't like it because I don't like when you leave.

i wish i may, i wish i might

I wish that I could sleep soundly. For as long as I can remember, I've been affected by night terrors. Night terrors are one of those odd phenomenons like migraines; no one exactly knows how or why they happen or why some are more susceptible to them. They are more common in children but have followed me through my entire life. Unlike a nightmare, the person is unaware that when they awake that the dreamlike state was unreal. They continue to be in this dream state for several seconds, sometimes minutes before they are able to slow their heart rate and come to full consciousness. Everyone has their own diagnoses or treatment. Mine tend to be triggered by exceptional high amounts of stress or extreme lack of sleep. They cause me to stay awake for endless hours because I am too worried to sleep which in turn makes me more tired, triggering longer terrors and a higher risk of having them. I wake up completely drenched, usually crying uncontrollably but having zero recollection of what happened. It takes me a few minutes to come around. I can usually predict how long I have until they set again. I know how long I can go without sleep and a terrible diet due to many late nights in the design studio in college. My roommate laughs at my sleep marathons that sometimes last 15+ hours but the truth is, they are completely necessary. I shock my body with vitamin C and sleep. Even if I'm not tired, I go to bed and lay there. I don't let myself get up until can sleep for a few hours without waking up in a cold sweat. Due to my lack of sleep the past few days I can feel them creeping up on me. So tonight, 8pm bedtime for this girl. I wish the terrors were as beautiful as the photos above.