subway soiree

I am standing on the platform at 23rd street eating a rose macaron, my favorite flavor from my most adored cafe. Whenever I have something to celebrate, I turn to this particular rose macaron. I find myself visiting this cafe quite often, dedicating a macaron to relationship milestones, personal achievements such as making a new friend or even bad days, the irony of honoring the survival of a particularly hellish 12 hours. 

I finish my macaron and shift my bag from one shoulder to the next, careful not to crush the neat stack of papers that signify a new professional beginning. The bottle of champagne, a gift from a colleague, was not intended for this particular celebration but just maybe. It’s cold enough that I can see my breath but not cold enough to make me want to hibernate. However, It’s hard to tell when my body is pulsing with equal parts of excitement and fear. 

The news is sacred and precious to me in this moment. I am doing normal New York things but I feel anything but normal. I look around at others standing with me on the platform thinking somehow they know what’s in my bag and understand that I’ve just been handed a fresh start and a new aspiration. The train pulls into the station and I step into my car wishing for one more rose macaron but quickly reminding myself not to overdo it, not to jinx my ambitious undertaking.

dream a little dream

There are so many steps. They begin at a normal height and width but continuously grow taller and wider so that I have to sit down and skooch to the edge on my butt to get to the next. I'm trying to get to the bottom because I am late. Full of anxiety and a rush of adrenaline because I know I'm going to take a bad step and fall. Smooth, cool metal. Blue hue with a perfect brushed metal texture. The steps, they slant at the most absurd angle. Look up to take a breath to see the most modern looking chandelier full of small metal loops. They hang down and look like rain falling from the sky. I continue going down.

Sometimes when I wake up I have a lingering dream that is just out of reach to recall. Sometimes though the details are so vivid that I swear it wasn't a dream at all. All those fucking steps. Even my hands were cool enough to have made me think I really was using them to guide me down as they grew more steep. So I got up and went to the bathroom. I keep a small guide to dream book on the back of the toilet. I mostly love the illustrations but time to time when I have an alarming dream, something so vivid, I'll take a peek. Brushing my teeth I found "steps."

Ascended + Descending
280 Steps and Stairs
With its rhythmic motion, going up and down steps or stairs presents a Freudian symbol of intercourse. A long, straight staircase is something a phallic symbol, just a the stairwell may symbolize the female genitalia. More modern interpretations may view climbing stairs as an expression of personal growth and developing emotional maturity. Descending or falling down stairs may express anxiety about "climbing too high" in some aspect of your life - that is, overestimating your abilities.

Well I'll be damned. Spot on. Recovering from surgery which links me to the Freudian symbol of female genitalia (Sorry to be so… honest here). And for the modern interpretation, I have a terrible habit of promising more to people in life and at work that sometimes I'm able to handle. I've been spread a bit thin lately but working on being more conscious of what I can achieve and within what time limit. I'm trying to climb high, as high as humanly possible. But climbing up requires a good foundation and confidence for each step. I never did fall in my dream. I reached the bottom and literally smashed through the last step. Yeah, take that weird dream.

dream on

Do any of you have reoccurring dreams? Places, people or situations that you come back to from time to time? I think that more often than not I dream. I wake up sometimes knowing exactly what the dream was about and sometimes I'm just left with a feeling. I wrote before about night terrors and how they come and go with my stress level. Dreams have always been an oddity to me, especially when I have déjà vu.

Do you ever wake up completely exhausted? This happened to me Monday morning when I had been asleep for more than 9 hours. Feeling tired and worn out from the weekend I crawled into bed early only to awake hours later feeling like I had been running a marathon through the night. I woke up with the memory of a reoccurring dream I have pretty often. Usually in the dream I am fighting someone but am unable to land a punch or do anything to defend myself but run in the opposite direction. I've been having this dream for so long that I can't remember when it even started. I push, I punch and try with all my strength but nothing makes my opponent flinch. Sunday night however, I was able for the first time to beat my opponent. The opponent often changes but is always a male figure. Usually he laughs at me and comes towards me stronger with every kick or punch I throw. I remember in the dream that the one thing that made him (whoever he is and stands for) back up, was me constantly moving forward towards him. The closer I got and the more confident I felt to move forward, the more he backed down. 

I know this sounds completely crazy but I wonder why out of all the times I've had this dream, why now was able to overcome this male figure? I could google the meaning all day but wouldn't come up with a thing to satisfy me I'm sure. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn't feel all that well and my body was trying to fight through whatever cold I have that made me have such a vivid dream. I doubt I'll ever know.

bergdorf blondes

Prior to my internship in the city, I had very limited knowledge and expectations. Sophomore year of college while on spring break in Miami, I hurriedly picked up "Bergdorf Blondes" before rushing onto my plane. Looking back I realize that this is how I came to imagined NYC. Full of socialites, luxe shopping, extravagant parties and extra perfect and glamorous women, this was the city I was determined to find myself in.

Now that I'm here I can't help but laugh. More than 5 times a day I gag because of the smell of garbage or a homeless person. Heels over 4" aren't realistic to trot around in and my feet look like they've been put through the lawn mower at the end of each week. The average size of engagement rings here are more than 80% larger than the rest of the world. And finally, you can be sitting next to a billionaire on the subway and not know it because it seems the richer you are here, the less you get to give a shit about how you look.

Nonetheless, I love it. I preach about Central Park and love that I can grab a cab at any hour to deliver me right where I need to be. For the third time I've decided to again read "Bergdorf Blondes." I love falling in love all over again with the magic of the city, even if some of it is a bit far fetched for a working girl like myself.

i wish i may, i wish i might

I wish that I could sleep soundly. For as long as I can remember, I've been affected by night terrors. Night terrors are one of those odd phenomenons like migraines; no one exactly knows how or why they happen or why some are more susceptible to them. They are more common in children but have followed me through my entire life. Unlike a nightmare, the person is unaware that when they awake that the dreamlike state was unreal. They continue to be in this dream state for several seconds, sometimes minutes before they are able to slow their heart rate and come to full consciousness. Everyone has their own diagnoses or treatment. Mine tend to be triggered by exceptional high amounts of stress or extreme lack of sleep. They cause me to stay awake for endless hours because I am too worried to sleep which in turn makes me more tired, triggering longer terrors and a higher risk of having them. I wake up completely drenched, usually crying uncontrollably but having zero recollection of what happened. It takes me a few minutes to come around. I can usually predict how long I have until they set again. I know how long I can go without sleep and a terrible diet due to many late nights in the design studio in college. My roommate laughs at my sleep marathons that sometimes last 15+ hours but the truth is, they are completely necessary. I shock my body with vitamin C and sleep. Even if I'm not tired, I go to bed and lay there. I don't let myself get up until can sleep for a few hours without waking up in a cold sweat. Due to my lack of sleep the past few days I can feel them creeping up on me. So tonight, 8pm bedtime for this girl. I wish the terrors were as beautiful as the photos above.