be a body

 Our bodies betray us.

We get sick, hurt, ache and tremor. Are our bodies a reflection of our minds or are they an individual entity which can only be helped and pushed in a way that may or may not stand the test of time?

I have always thought of my body as a reflection of my emotional self. I feel strongest mind and body when I'm physically fit. I'm strong in body, I'm strong in mind. I tear into my body in an attempt to break it down and build it back up. I've always been athletic and set tests for myself that were both strenuous and exhausting. I used to fly through the air in cheerleading and gymnastics. I would ask my lungs to expand to great capacity by running until my legs gave out from underneath me. I twist and bend and challenge my limbs to hold me steady and still as I change poses in yoga. But when my body betrays me, my mind usually follows.

There are things that are out of our control. Neck aches that steam from stress, broken bones due to accidents, pins and needles in joints and headaches that pulse to great extremes. I have to trust my body to take me to the place I need to go but what if it cannot?

I work on my body as if it were a machine. Certain parts need replaced or fixed up - dents and nicks worked out of its exterior, a new valve, whatever. The part that is at the center, my engine, my heart always needs the most work. 

For over a year now I've been very quiet when the yoga teacher asks if there are any requests in class. Now I can clearly identify that I need constant attention to my heart. I ask for chest openers. I trust that my body will hold me, I question my heart. Because when my heart fails me, my body follows. Just as an engine fails, the rest of the machine cannot complete it's task. I'm understanding that working on my exterior is actually making my interior stronger.

dream a little dream

There are so many steps. They begin at a normal height and width but continuously grow taller and wider so that I have to sit down and skooch to the edge on my butt to get to the next. I'm trying to get to the bottom because I am late. Full of anxiety and a rush of adrenaline because I know I'm going to take a bad step and fall. Smooth, cool metal. Blue hue with a perfect brushed metal texture. The steps, they slant at the most absurd angle. Look up to take a breath to see the most modern looking chandelier full of small metal loops. They hang down and look like rain falling from the sky. I continue going down.

Sometimes when I wake up I have a lingering dream that is just out of reach to recall. Sometimes though the details are so vivid that I swear it wasn't a dream at all. All those fucking steps. Even my hands were cool enough to have made me think I really was using them to guide me down as they grew more steep. So I got up and went to the bathroom. I keep a small guide to dream book on the back of the toilet. I mostly love the illustrations but time to time when I have an alarming dream, something so vivid, I'll take a peek. Brushing my teeth I found "steps."

Ascended + Descending
280 Steps and Stairs
With its rhythmic motion, going up and down steps or stairs presents a Freudian symbol of intercourse. A long, straight staircase is something a phallic symbol, just a the stairwell may symbolize the female genitalia. More modern interpretations may view climbing stairs as an expression of personal growth and developing emotional maturity. Descending or falling down stairs may express anxiety about "climbing too high" in some aspect of your life - that is, overestimating your abilities.

Well I'll be damned. Spot on. Recovering from surgery which links me to the Freudian symbol of female genitalia (Sorry to be so… honest here). And for the modern interpretation, I have a terrible habit of promising more to people in life and at work that sometimes I'm able to handle. I've been spread a bit thin lately but working on being more conscious of what I can achieve and within what time limit. I'm trying to climb high, as high as humanly possible. But climbing up requires a good foundation and confidence for each step. I never did fall in my dream. I reached the bottom and literally smashed through the last step. Yeah, take that weird dream.

don't stay

I don't like when you stay here.

I don't like that you take up more than your half of the bed. That you use pillows that are are not for sleeping but for decorating. That you kick the covers off and I have to drag them back onto the bed 10 times over.

I don't like that you make my sheets smell like you. The smell that's hardly there but seems to stay for days after you are gone. That when I wake up I feel like I smell more like you than me.

I don't like that I can't move you. Not even an inch. You fall asleep and you are dead weight. That your arms are much too long and that they pull me and tuck me into the position that is comfortable for you. That I become your rag doll and that you drag me from one half of the bed to the other without effort. That if I move an inch away that you pull me two inches closer.

I don't like that you breathe on me when you sleep. That you don't care that you're sometimes so close that I can hardly breathe myself. That your hair gets in my face and that your beard scratches my face and neck.

I don't like when you stay here because I wake up the next three nights thinking you are still here. I don't like it because I don't like when you leave.

dream on

Do any of you have reoccurring dreams? Places, people or situations that you come back to from time to time? I think that more often than not I dream. I wake up sometimes knowing exactly what the dream was about and sometimes I'm just left with a feeling. I wrote before about night terrors and how they come and go with my stress level. Dreams have always been an oddity to me, especially when I have déjà vu.

Do you ever wake up completely exhausted? This happened to me Monday morning when I had been asleep for more than 9 hours. Feeling tired and worn out from the weekend I crawled into bed early only to awake hours later feeling like I had been running a marathon through the night. I woke up with the memory of a reoccurring dream I have pretty often. Usually in the dream I am fighting someone but am unable to land a punch or do anything to defend myself but run in the opposite direction. I've been having this dream for so long that I can't remember when it even started. I push, I punch and try with all my strength but nothing makes my opponent flinch. Sunday night however, I was able for the first time to beat my opponent. The opponent often changes but is always a male figure. Usually he laughs at me and comes towards me stronger with every kick or punch I throw. I remember in the dream that the one thing that made him (whoever he is and stands for) back up, was me constantly moving forward towards him. The closer I got and the more confident I felt to move forward, the more he backed down. 

I know this sounds completely crazy but I wonder why out of all the times I've had this dream, why now was able to overcome this male figure? I could google the meaning all day but wouldn't come up with a thing to satisfy me I'm sure. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn't feel all that well and my body was trying to fight through whatever cold I have that made me have such a vivid dream. I doubt I'll ever know.

i wish i may, i wish i might

I wish that I could sleep soundly. For as long as I can remember, I've been affected by night terrors. Night terrors are one of those odd phenomenons like migraines; no one exactly knows how or why they happen or why some are more susceptible to them. They are more common in children but have followed me through my entire life. Unlike a nightmare, the person is unaware that when they awake that the dreamlike state was unreal. They continue to be in this dream state for several seconds, sometimes minutes before they are able to slow their heart rate and come to full consciousness. Everyone has their own diagnoses or treatment. Mine tend to be triggered by exceptional high amounts of stress or extreme lack of sleep. They cause me to stay awake for endless hours because I am too worried to sleep which in turn makes me more tired, triggering longer terrors and a higher risk of having them. I wake up completely drenched, usually crying uncontrollably but having zero recollection of what happened. It takes me a few minutes to come around. I can usually predict how long I have until they set again. I know how long I can go without sleep and a terrible diet due to many late nights in the design studio in college. My roommate laughs at my sleep marathons that sometimes last 15+ hours but the truth is, they are completely necessary. I shock my body with vitamin C and sleep. Even if I'm not tired, I go to bed and lay there. I don't let myself get up until can sleep for a few hours without waking up in a cold sweat. Due to my lack of sleep the past few days I can feel them creeping up on me. So tonight, 8pm bedtime for this girl. I wish the terrors were as beautiful as the photos above.