just think

  "It will be great."

 

Amanda, March 4th

morning rambles

This morning I had a thought.

It was a pretty standard morning for me. What used to seem like the great unknown of a new neighborhood and space, now feels comforting and peaceful. I pulled up the blinds to let what little winter light there was in, got ready, buttoned up, settled on an album to listen to and walked to the subway. My subway stop is above ground and goes over the WIlliamsburg Bridge. It's one of the best ways to start the day. I stood on the platform with my headphones in, gloves on, waiting for the train when I thought about my upcoming birthday. I ran down a list of sorts.

27. Female. Single. Average Height, Average Weight. Never been married. No Children. Can touch my toes. Cannot do a handstand (yet). Happy, yes.. I am happy. Brooklyn, New York. Blonde. Black boots. Overall comfortable.

And then I thought, how many of those things will change once I'm 28. How many will change in 5 years, 10 years. I remembered turning 27 and thinking about the year ahead but predicting nothing that had happened. There were some amazing things that happened and then there were some that I would have liked to fast-forward through but maybe not. 27 was a year of growing pains. Maybe it's a superstition but that odd number always did seem challenging to me and it did prove itself to be. I gained friends, I lost friends. I let go. I moved, twice. I ate too much then too little. Changed teams at work, changed again.

Someone recently asked me how I am.

"I'm well. I feel good. I'm trying to push myself a little more. Speak up, challenge myself. Go outside my comfort zone and be more daring."

They probably were just wondering if I was in a good or bad mood but hey, you asked.

Usually I make a list or goal for the year ahead when my birthday comes around. This year there won't be one. I want to live. I want to experience everything that comes my way. I want to open myself to everything that is coming. To not grip. To not wish and want but to be. Be happy and then be sad and then be happy again. Whatever comes will no matter what. I can't wait. 

Photo by Kate Diago

first position

Sometime late summer last year (which in this weather feels like a million miles away) I had my hair cut off. I always was attracted to women who could wear their hair short and slick and maintain a feminine and graceful appearance. It was a simple way to shorten my time in the morning, as well as, keep my hair from aggravating me on humid and hot summer days. While home a few weeks ago I was on the edge of keeping a bit of length versus bringing it back up short. I went somewhere in between and then enter Jennifer Lawerence photographed by Patrick Demarchelier for Miss Dior.

Needless to say my hair went from a soft blow out to a unfinished tasseled 'I woke up like this' look. I used Toni & Guy Casual Sea Salt Texturing Spray because it was the only thing I could find this morning but plan on investing in Bumble & Bumble's Texture hair undressing creme. The sea salt spray smells amazing but doesn't quite hold shape. While I'm out I also need to pick up Clinique's even better dark spot corrector which I used several years ago but haven't used since. This winter has been particularly hard on my skin and has left a few uneven spots where blemishes came and went.

Last week I was gifted with Roses de Chloé which has snapped out any chance of the winter blues creeping in. With the fresh top note of bergamot, a heart of rose and a trail of musk and amber, I feel completely buttoned up for the day. The beautiful spot "Blowing Roses" makes me wish I had never quit ballet. Speaking of the ballet, my mom and I attended À la Française on Saturday here in NYC. We were both swept away in the grace and beauty of the dancers. Their dedication and strength was inspiring. I left feeling like I should put a bit more effort into my own work, personal and professional.

So with that note, I'm off to work on this hazy, gray Monday. Have a good week!

a rosy future

Who do you love? Your mom, your sister, your best friend, yourself? No matter what your relationship status is this February, I say take the time to celebrate those around you. Romantic or not, indulge in the pinks, reds, lavenders and everything fluffy and cheesy. I arrived home Saturday afternoon to a craft table and wonderful friends and roommates making Valentines for loved ones. If you aren't the crafting type you can always stop by your local stationery store OR hell, just draw a little wonky heart on a notecard and sign your name. The smallest notions go the furthest.

Soft blush bouquets are always appropriate, check out Saipua in Brooklyn for the most lovely arrangements EVER. Carven's semi-new fragrance is a graceful blend of Neroli, Mandarin Blossom, and White Hyacinth. Plus the bottle is simplistic and modern yet feminine. Diptque's Rosamundi is their Rose, re-imagined without the sharpness it typically carries. Restock on Dior's creme de rose smoothing plumping lip balm which has been my go-to since last Valentines day. If you're feeling like a million bucks, Nora Kogan Jewelry will deck you out. Moonstones for everyone. Lastly step into the holiday with Alice and Olivia's Hilary heart print canvas d'orsay flats. Sending love to everyone. xoxo

tea for one, plus one

I woke up to my alarm and a cool gray sky. I put on my favorite dress and traveled up to the Guggenheim. It was my first time there. I made my way up and back down the spiral, stopping for an overpriced coffee along the way. It was over-roasted and mostly bitter, no matter how many sugars I added. I chalked it up to all the time going into the museum's exhibitions and not into the coffee, fine by me. I left and strolled down Madison Avenue. I took the subway downtown to the West Village. I stepped into Tea and Sympathy on Greenwich Avenue. I was alone, had been alone all weekend. I was looking forward to a table for one. I sat outside in the brisk January air. I called my Dad, glanced at my phone a moment and settled in to wait for my table of one. 15 minutes later a mass of people exited and seating began for the cold souls waiting outside. The woman next to me commented that we'd all need warm tea for having to wait outside in the cold. I mentioned it was well worth the wait. She was seated a moment later, another table for one. Then I heard her call back out the door, "Are you one? I'm just one if you'd like to sit at my table."

The waitress offered me another table right away but I took the table with the woman I had exchanged words with moments before outside. We liked the same tea (Chai) and settled in to chat about New York, my career, her family, theater and art.

It was lovely to have tea with a woman I didn't know. It was nice that someone else who was looking forward to tea for one happened to share tea for two. It never came up if we had been waiting for someone else, we both just seemed happy to have a table by the window and a shared teapot of chai and scones.

When I first moved to New York I would often get questioned about the people. My tea guest had lived in New York City most of her life and while she traveled and relocated a few times, she always came back. We both related to not having to drive and how you can step into a different museum or cafe any given day and experience something new. I thanked her for asking me to join her, she thanked me for being open to the suggestion. This is my New York City.

Tea had and to be had:

Lady Mendl's

The Carlyle

Alice's Tea Cup

Russian Tea Room

The Palm Court at The Plaza

wanderlust

I have an interesting case of wanderlust. I often lust for the very city I live in. Whenever I leave New York, even for the weekend, I dream of coming back - coming home. However each year with the change of the season my mind wanders a bit west and then very east.

I wake up wondering what it would be to exchange my view of the Empire State Building and Williamsburg Bridge for an ocean view or the Eiffel tower. I imagine salt water hair, I imagine buttery croissants. California and Paris, for completely different reasons.

California for the ocean. Not the shore or the beach but the ocean. Big Sur and hiking above the clouds. The feeling of weightlessness being that high in elevation and the anxiety of having to go back down eventually. The sun on my arms, salty lips and hair. Cool nights and a fire. Driving along the coastal highway listening to whatever is on the radio because it really doesn't matter as long as the windows are down and you know the words.

Paris for the escape. Some days I miss the feeling of not knowing a city so well. Stepping off the subway platform with butterflies of a new adventure in a new part of town. Seeking out your favorite cafe, finding the best bookstore. Falling in love with a park or a certain building. Being a fish out of water and then finding your gills, finding your own heartbeat in a place you've never known or been. I'm constantly mesmerized by New York's lights but I crave new shapes and spaces. Carving out a home in a new place that feels similar but wholly different.

Sometimes when I cross the bridge on my bike and I'm heading downhill into the lower east side I take my hands off the bars and spread them wide. I stretch my arms and fingertips. I pull in the entire city and for a minute feel like it can actually fit within the width of my body. I love it here more than anywhere I've ever been. It's home but when I woke up this morning I wondered what Paris looked like in the snow and how nice it would be to take a walk along the ocean during a sunny November California morning.

tomorrow's tomorrow

I have caught myself saying over and over, tomorrow. Tomorrow I will sort through those work forms, tomorrow I will grocery shop, tomorrow I will scrub the tub, tomorrow I will not procrastinate on everything I should be doing today.

I'm a chronic list maker. I make lists because crossing the items off feels like crossing the finish line first every time. Funny enough, lists don't have the same effect anymore. I have no problem making them and then letting them sit for say, weeks. This is very unlike me. It's odd enough that I'm not feeling the pressure of getting things finished and crossed off, it's even more surprising that my nonchalant attitude towards doing much of anything isn't bothering me one bit.

Is this what meditation does to someone? Am I now feeling the effects of the yoga marathon I've been participating in since August? On my way to work this morning I had a flutter of anxiety when I remembered that I didn't revise yet a project I had discussed with my directors last week. Then I took a really deep breath and thought to myself, "Well nothing to really do until I get to work. Better off just enjoying this book." This is not a thought, not a thought in a million years I would ever have had before.

I am meeting due dates, my bills are paid on time, I keep plans with friends and family but one big thing has shifted in me - the worrying about what I cannot control has started to dissipate. I make the lists but with the knowledge that it won't all get done at once and that's fine. This new self discovery bleeds into the self hate that I had when I couldn't get everything done that I had planned for that day. I've let go of having to get it all done and the most humorous part of that is when I learn half of what I wrote down gets done organically and better when I don't stress over it. So maybe it's okay to say tomorrow sometimes, mostly because 99% of everything can actually wait and with that I leave work because I can't wait to read and go to yoga, the things that I don't want to wait until tomorrow to complete.

the trees

"I feel very uncertain."

Amanda, October 30th

I feel very uncertain about this new stage of my life. I feel supported and loved in a way that I've never experienced before and I'm so blessed for that. But it's difficult right now. Everything is changing right? The weather and all. It's like all summer we were more free and open and now we're going inside. We're going inside physically and emotionally. It feels like we've lost something maybe? Do you feel like that? Like something's missing and there's this loneliness? Yeah.

Take the trees right? In the spring they blossom and everything has buds and little leaves. Come summer they are so full and shady and beautiful and lush. They come fall they change drastically into these insane colors, right? And it's just so amazing. And then all of a sudden fall comes and they give it all away. They just let their leaves go and it's like a gift. A gift to everyone with the colors and just shedding off and down. Maybe if we think of it more like a gift we are giving away and less like a loss it won't be so difficult to deal with? So as we go inside and start to spend more time in ourselves with the change of the season think of it like the trees. Because what comes after winter? Spring. We'll all bloom again.

the great plains

I went on a coastal roadtrip in 2012. We drove from Los Angeles to the Redwood forest and back. On the way there we crept along the cliffs, winding down roads. Sometimes I would sink low in my seat so I didn't have to see the upcoming twists and turns in the road. When you're in a car, this is easy. When this is your life, there's no sinking out of sight.

Then there was the drive back. Deciding that we had enough of the cliffs and the edge of what seemed to be the world, we took the straight and flat road home. We didn't see any accidents on our way up the coast but on that simple road, the wind whipped like hell against the car. So hard that I remember popping snacks in Matt's mouth for him because he couldn't take either hand off the wheel. There were a ton of accidents. We even saw some mini tornados out of dust and dirt. The cliffs were much more scary. At any point you felt like you were going to just tip off the edge. How funny that when everything was lain out simply before us that we were in much more danger.

I have arrived at the straight and simple. I'm not rising or falling. Much like a photograph that is unsaturated and flat, I keep flipping through the days, work, people, routines without much excitement or interest. I've lost interest in the organization of my things. My work seems to continue without any concern or creative satisfaction. Time moves and I watch it go. I sip water because nothing tastes particularly good or bad, mostly bland. I don't really watch out for cracks in the sidewalk. I haven't felt high or low but mostly medium. So where do I go from here knowing that if I take my hands from the wheel for one minute that I may flip over and end up worse off than where I begun.

I've seen the photos, I've heard the gossip. I knew it before I even discovered it. It dissolves in me and settles to the bottom. Nothing surprises me anymore because I've already imagined and reimagined it a million different ways. I saw you and it took me a full week to recover. I ended up flatter than before. More disinterested in what was around me, more disgusted with the situation.

I have a beautiful view of the city. I wake up around 4 or 5am everyday to the sun coming up over the city. My first thought is a split between how wonderful the colors are and how I don't understand how I got here. I haven't been here writing because I don't even have the real interest in putting it down anymore. After writing for days on ends, filling up notebooks and scribble pads with this and that I've run out. I got a cold and I ended up extremely exhausted. All the twists and turns were tiring and now that I'm on the flat, I'm more worried than ever.

yin

I hesitated with everything I felt and did. I anticipated pain the second I stopped moving. I cautiously sipped my coffee dreaming that it would be too hot and scorch my mouth. I questioned a coworker that he was about to tell me bad news when he was only sharing an invitation with me. I arrived on my mat already full of tears. This was my fifth or sixth yin class - I've never made it through an entire class, let along the first 30 minutes without tears coming. This was the first however that I was anticipating the pain, aches and flood of emotions so much that I was worked up even before I began.

I am today at 63 days straight of yoga. I feel like I'm in a program of sorts announcing something like that but maybe I am. I took Yin Yoga sort of by mistake. I enjoy the teacher in other practices so when I was out of options for that particular day I decided to try it out. It's a practice of clearing energetic blockages and improve the flow of qi. The positions are much like traditional vinyasa practice except you don't move seamlessly from one to another. You move into one and you stay, you stay for 5-10 minutes. Sitting still for that long of time is difficult enough. Dull aches arise and your mind starts pin-ponging from thought to thought, eventually landing on the thought that you've been avoiding all day, all week and here you are - facing it head on.

"When pain arises in the body, look to the mind. Where is that coming from? Where or what is causing the discomfort?"

And then I was there that first class. Laying on my back with my heels together and my hands on my stomach with tears pouring down my face. Physically I've collected enough strength in the past 63 days to push past the ache but emotionally I am not much farther from where I began. The teacher asked us all to not reject any pain that came to us, both physical or emotional but to look to it and allow it to come and then go. The pain was suffering caused by resistance.

There weren't any tears tonight. Once I began I accepted that I wasn't feeling as positive as I had been feeling yesterday but that was fine. I let it go. I didn't deny that my hips felt like they were breaking into pieces. I didn't deny that my heart ached to all ends and that I miss him like crazy. I sat there and saw the thoughts come and go. I saw that every time my pain increased it was because some memory was coming to me. His eyelids sleeping, a favorite pasta recipe.

I think tomorrow I will finally take a break. I attempted a break many times but haven't felt ready to let go of the practice that is physically bringing me back to the place where I feel confident that I can then build back my emotional self. There isn't anymore denial left in me. There's just time and space to move forward.

a new york heart

There are people everywhere. There is construction, shopping bags, fire hydrants, taxi cabs, traffic signs, mailboxes, pigeons and umbrellas. Bikers that race by, runners that clip your shoulder. Smokers who blow out just as you pass and dog owners that don't pick up droppings. No wonder New Yorkers walk around with their heads down, sunglasses on and rounded shoulders. We're constantly protecting ourselves from what is spinning around us.

This is the only city I've lived in but visiting others I've taken a few notes. Chicago's people walk around and smile at each other. Philadelphians puff their chests out in a very confident, "no-mess" attitude way. The people in Denver seem to move in slow motion with shoulders down and a heaviness to each step. Everyone in LA wears heels or sneakers so they seem to bounce along the sidewalks. New York stands alone with the curve of the spine, shoulders hunched and forward march look. This morning while riding the elevator up to the 16th floor in the Empire State Building where I work I suddenly had the urge to bend half way over on one foot and extend my hands towards the back wall. Otherwise known as warrior three in yoga.

Since my upswing of practice I've been noticing big and subtle differences in the way my body moves. One of the biggest changes however is my posture. I'm conscious to push my back into a chair and not slouch, to walk with shoulders down by back and not up to my ears, to look others in the eye and not avoid small smiles or conversation starters. But walking quickly into work this morning I arrived tense and protected, awaiting for someone to run into me or play dodge with tourists entering the building. I pulled my shoulders away from my ears and pressed my chest forward. Some of the most difficult situations we put ourselves in are when we are vulnerable. It's much easier to stay on guard and protect everything you have. However then you don't grow, you don't trip a little and know that next time you need to be more aware of your surroundings, you don't learn a thing.

As a very long, stressful week wraps up I move into the weekend which are typically harder for me than the week. Filling my time with work, yoga and errands seem to space out during Saturday and Sunday and leave me feeling vulnerable and like I have endless time on my hands. There's no need to protect myself from this feeling. Why are we so scared to be alone with ourselves? It's just you.

patience

 

"Patience is not about suffering through discomfort but acknowledging the feelings that arise and greeting them with grace, kindness and acceptance."

Jenny, September 5th