wanderlust

I have an interesting case of wanderlust. I often lust for the very city I live in. Whenever I leave New York, even for the weekend, I dream of coming back - coming home. However each year with the change of the season my mind wanders a bit west and then very east.

I wake up wondering what it would be to exchange my view of the Empire State Building and Williamsburg Bridge for an ocean view or the Eiffel tower. I imagine salt water hair, I imagine buttery croissants. California and Paris, for completely different reasons.

California for the ocean. Not the shore or the beach but the ocean. Big Sur and hiking above the clouds. The feeling of weightlessness being that high in elevation and the anxiety of having to go back down eventually. The sun on my arms, salty lips and hair. Cool nights and a fire. Driving along the coastal highway listening to whatever is on the radio because it really doesn't matter as long as the windows are down and you know the words.

Paris for the escape. Some days I miss the feeling of not knowing a city so well. Stepping off the subway platform with butterflies of a new adventure in a new part of town. Seeking out your favorite cafe, finding the best bookstore. Falling in love with a park or a certain building. Being a fish out of water and then finding your gills, finding your own heartbeat in a place you've never known or been. I'm constantly mesmerized by New York's lights but I crave new shapes and spaces. Carving out a home in a new place that feels similar but wholly different.

Sometimes when I cross the bridge on my bike and I'm heading downhill into the lower east side I take my hands off the bars and spread them wide. I stretch my arms and fingertips. I pull in the entire city and for a minute feel like it can actually fit within the width of my body. I love it here more than anywhere I've ever been. It's home but when I woke up this morning I wondered what Paris looked like in the snow and how nice it would be to take a walk along the ocean during a sunny November California morning.

tomorrow's tomorrow

I have caught myself saying over and over, tomorrow. Tomorrow I will sort through those work forms, tomorrow I will grocery shop, tomorrow I will scrub the tub, tomorrow I will not procrastinate on everything I should be doing today.

I'm a chronic list maker. I make lists because crossing the items off feels like crossing the finish line first every time. Funny enough, lists don't have the same effect anymore. I have no problem making them and then letting them sit for say, weeks. This is very unlike me. It's odd enough that I'm not feeling the pressure of getting things finished and crossed off, it's even more surprising that my nonchalant attitude towards doing much of anything isn't bothering me one bit.

Is this what meditation does to someone? Am I now feeling the effects of the yoga marathon I've been participating in since August? On my way to work this morning I had a flutter of anxiety when I remembered that I didn't revise yet a project I had discussed with my directors last week. Then I took a really deep breath and thought to myself, "Well nothing to really do until I get to work. Better off just enjoying this book." This is not a thought, not a thought in a million years I would ever have had before.

I am meeting due dates, my bills are paid on time, I keep plans with friends and family but one big thing has shifted in me - the worrying about what I cannot control has started to dissipate. I make the lists but with the knowledge that it won't all get done at once and that's fine. This new self discovery bleeds into the self hate that I had when I couldn't get everything done that I had planned for that day. I've let go of having to get it all done and the most humorous part of that is when I learn half of what I wrote down gets done organically and better when I don't stress over it. So maybe it's okay to say tomorrow sometimes, mostly because 99% of everything can actually wait and with that I leave work because I can't wait to read and go to yoga, the things that I don't want to wait until tomorrow to complete.

the trees

"I feel very uncertain."

Amanda, October 30th

I feel very uncertain about this new stage of my life. I feel supported and loved in a way that I've never experienced before and I'm so blessed for that. But it's difficult right now. Everything is changing right? The weather and all. It's like all summer we were more free and open and now we're going inside. We're going inside physically and emotionally. It feels like we've lost something maybe? Do you feel like that? Like something's missing and there's this loneliness? Yeah.

Take the trees right? In the spring they blossom and everything has buds and little leaves. Come summer they are so full and shady and beautiful and lush. They come fall they change drastically into these insane colors, right? And it's just so amazing. And then all of a sudden fall comes and they give it all away. They just let their leaves go and it's like a gift. A gift to everyone with the colors and just shedding off and down. Maybe if we think of it more like a gift we are giving away and less like a loss it won't be so difficult to deal with? So as we go inside and start to spend more time in ourselves with the change of the season think of it like the trees. Because what comes after winter? Spring. We'll all bloom again.

the great plains

I went on a coastal roadtrip in 2012. We drove from Los Angeles to the Redwood forest and back. On the way there we crept along the cliffs, winding down roads. Sometimes I would sink low in my seat so I didn't have to see the upcoming twists and turns in the road. When you're in a car, this is easy. When this is your life, there's no sinking out of sight.

Then there was the drive back. Deciding that we had enough of the cliffs and the edge of what seemed to be the world, we took the straight and flat road home. We didn't see any accidents on our way up the coast but on that simple road, the wind whipped like hell against the car. So hard that I remember popping snacks in Matt's mouth for him because he couldn't take either hand off the wheel. There were a ton of accidents. We even saw some mini tornados out of dust and dirt. The cliffs were much more scary. At any point you felt like you were going to just tip off the edge. How funny that when everything was lain out simply before us that we were in much more danger.

I have arrived at the straight and simple. I'm not rising or falling. Much like a photograph that is unsaturated and flat, I keep flipping through the days, work, people, routines without much excitement or interest. I've lost interest in the organization of my things. My work seems to continue without any concern or creative satisfaction. Time moves and I watch it go. I sip water because nothing tastes particularly good or bad, mostly bland. I don't really watch out for cracks in the sidewalk. I haven't felt high or low but mostly medium. So where do I go from here knowing that if I take my hands from the wheel for one minute that I may flip over and end up worse off than where I begun.

I've seen the photos, I've heard the gossip. I knew it before I even discovered it. It dissolves in me and settles to the bottom. Nothing surprises me anymore because I've already imagined and reimagined it a million different ways. I saw you and it took me a full week to recover. I ended up flatter than before. More disinterested in what was around me, more disgusted with the situation.

I have a beautiful view of the city. I wake up around 4 or 5am everyday to the sun coming up over the city. My first thought is a split between how wonderful the colors are and how I don't understand how I got here. I haven't been here writing because I don't even have the real interest in putting it down anymore. After writing for days on ends, filling up notebooks and scribble pads with this and that I've run out. I got a cold and I ended up extremely exhausted. All the twists and turns were tiring and now that I'm on the flat, I'm more worried than ever.

yin

I hesitated with everything I felt and did. I anticipated pain the second I stopped moving. I cautiously sipped my coffee dreaming that it would be too hot and scorch my mouth. I questioned a coworker that he was about to tell me bad news when he was only sharing an invitation with me. I arrived on my mat already full of tears. This was my fifth or sixth yin class - I've never made it through an entire class, let along the first 30 minutes without tears coming. This was the first however that I was anticipating the pain, aches and flood of emotions so much that I was worked up even before I began.

I am today at 63 days straight of yoga. I feel like I'm in a program of sorts announcing something like that but maybe I am. I took Yin Yoga sort of by mistake. I enjoy the teacher in other practices so when I was out of options for that particular day I decided to try it out. It's a practice of clearing energetic blockages and improve the flow of qi. The positions are much like traditional vinyasa practice except you don't move seamlessly from one to another. You move into one and you stay, you stay for 5-10 minutes. Sitting still for that long of time is difficult enough. Dull aches arise and your mind starts pin-ponging from thought to thought, eventually landing on the thought that you've been avoiding all day, all week and here you are - facing it head on.

"When pain arises in the body, look to the mind. Where is that coming from? Where or what is causing the discomfort?"

And then I was there that first class. Laying on my back with my heels together and my hands on my stomach with tears pouring down my face. Physically I've collected enough strength in the past 63 days to push past the ache but emotionally I am not much farther from where I began. The teacher asked us all to not reject any pain that came to us, both physical or emotional but to look to it and allow it to come and then go. The pain was suffering caused by resistance.

There weren't any tears tonight. Once I began I accepted that I wasn't feeling as positive as I had been feeling yesterday but that was fine. I let it go. I didn't deny that my hips felt like they were breaking into pieces. I didn't deny that my heart ached to all ends and that I miss him like crazy. I sat there and saw the thoughts come and go. I saw that every time my pain increased it was because some memory was coming to me. His eyelids sleeping, a favorite pasta recipe.

I think tomorrow I will finally take a break. I attempted a break many times but haven't felt ready to let go of the practice that is physically bringing me back to the place where I feel confident that I can then build back my emotional self. There isn't anymore denial left in me. There's just time and space to move forward.

a new york heart

There are people everywhere. There is construction, shopping bags, fire hydrants, taxi cabs, traffic signs, mailboxes, pigeons and umbrellas. Bikers that race by, runners that clip your shoulder. Smokers who blow out just as you pass and dog owners that don't pick up droppings. No wonder New Yorkers walk around with their heads down, sunglasses on and rounded shoulders. We're constantly protecting ourselves from what is spinning around us.

This is the only city I've lived in but visiting others I've taken a few notes. Chicago's people walk around and smile at each other. Philadelphians puff their chests out in a very confident, "no-mess" attitude way. The people in Denver seem to move in slow motion with shoulders down and a heaviness to each step. Everyone in LA wears heels or sneakers so they seem to bounce along the sidewalks. New York stands alone with the curve of the spine, shoulders hunched and forward march look. This morning while riding the elevator up to the 16th floor in the Empire State Building where I work I suddenly had the urge to bend half way over on one foot and extend my hands towards the back wall. Otherwise known as warrior three in yoga.

Since my upswing of practice I've been noticing big and subtle differences in the way my body moves. One of the biggest changes however is my posture. I'm conscious to push my back into a chair and not slouch, to walk with shoulders down by back and not up to my ears, to look others in the eye and not avoid small smiles or conversation starters. But walking quickly into work this morning I arrived tense and protected, awaiting for someone to run into me or play dodge with tourists entering the building. I pulled my shoulders away from my ears and pressed my chest forward. Some of the most difficult situations we put ourselves in are when we are vulnerable. It's much easier to stay on guard and protect everything you have. However then you don't grow, you don't trip a little and know that next time you need to be more aware of your surroundings, you don't learn a thing.

As a very long, stressful week wraps up I move into the weekend which are typically harder for me than the week. Filling my time with work, yoga and errands seem to space out during Saturday and Sunday and leave me feeling vulnerable and like I have endless time on my hands. There's no need to protect myself from this feeling. Why are we so scared to be alone with ourselves? It's just you.

patience

 

"Patience is not about suffering through discomfort but acknowledging the feelings that arise and greeting them with grace, kindness and acceptance."

Jenny, September 5th

lucky

I walked down the subway steps at Marcy Avenue yesterday and caught the eye of a guy about my age. He was at the bottom clearly waiting for someone, something. He smiled - his whole body smiled. For a split second I thought that he was of course waiting for me but soon realized that I've never seen this person before. His girlfriend trotted down from the steps into his arms. The kissed in the way that seemed comfortable but also a bit passionate. I felt a bit embarrassed to witness their public display of affection. Maybe because I'm ultra sensitive to everything right now, especially people touching.

I thought it was so nice that he waited for her. A simple, small gesture. I know that I'm in this cycle of overanalyzing everything but I'm trying to just let thoughts come and go like my breath. Breathe in a bit of sadness because no one was waiting for me, breathe out acceptance of this time to build myself up a bit.

I got home and Jack followed me into my room. Jack is my roommates 85+ lb mastiff pitbull mix. He mostly represents a hippopotamus because he moves so slowly and stiffly. He looked at me and I told him we could hang out in the living room but not my room, I ran into the living room. Jack stiffly ran and half jumped onto the sofa and flipped himself into me and took half my arm into his mouth. He does this when he's so happy you are there that he wants to actually bite you but he's too gentle to actually cause harm. He made me feel a bit better. I went to yoga (yup, still at it daily) and settled into poses which were held for 5-8 minutes each. Something about bending over my knee made me cry. Tears trickled down my cheeks as my toes went numb and I breathed as deep as humanly possible. I kept coming back to the question of, "When will someone be waiting for me?"

My friends were waiting though after yoga. I collected them at a bar and we went to another to get burgers. We sat and talked about past jobs, current relationships and other people's love lives. It's hard to hear of unhappy relationships right now. I keep coming back to wondering if people know how lucky they are. I felt lucky every single day when I was in a relationship. It's easy to lose focus of that when you're arguing over who needs to take the trash out or if there are shoes on the floor that you tripped over or whatever else makes you annoyed with the other person.

The guy from the subway, he knew he was lucky and I think that's what pulled at my heart strings. Because no matter how lucky you are, sometimes things just don't work out. But the only thing you can do is go home, sit on the sofa with the dog, go to yoga, meet friends for burgers, go home and put yourself to bed. You need to keep going, but don't forget to remember how lucky you are. No matter what situation you find yourself in.

juicy juice

 

 So here's the thing about juices.

I've always been 100% "get that stuff away from me." I saw people "juicing" or "cleansing" and I'd roll my eyes and tell them to hit the gym if they wanted to lose some weight or what not. What I didn't realize is that a juice can be added to your normal eating habits just as an extra dose of nutrients and antioxidants. A coworker of mine inspired a trip to our local bodega-style juice bar. I tried an orange, ginger, carrot and apple juice and it was love. Most recently my roommate Mel has been mixing up a Super-C which I've listed below. The spicy, sweet taste is amazing. My new approach to juice is that it's a healthy alternative when I'm craving something sweet. Instead of reaching for a lemonade or other store brand juice, I go to the counter and order a freshly made juice. No sugar crash, no unhealthy additives. Having that I was the world's biggest jerk about the entire fad, you should give it a try. It's changed my mind, it may change yours. Enjoy.

Super-C
from Everyday Raw Detox by Meredith Baird

The combination of pineapple and orange is a mega dose of vitamin C, a powerful cold and flu fighter. Pineapple provides an additional benefit with the enzyme bromeliad which helps suppress coughs and loosen mucus. Jalapeños elevation sinus congestion and reduce sinus headaches. Everything about this juice makes it a flu fighter. Or in my option, just plain good.

Makes 1 juice serving

1 quarter fresh pineapple
1 orange
1/2 handful of cilantro
1/2 small jalapeño, seeded

love letters

When I was younger I wrote lots and lots of letters. I had moved between the third and fourth grade to a new school and area of Pennsylvania and to keep in touch with friends I wrote them. I passed notes in school and sent snail mail to anyone I could. I had tons of stationery and made my own. My first job in New York City was working for a stationery company, it was only fitting.

Most of the time I wouldn't have a stamp or would have already used all the stamps so I devised a brilliant plan of taping coins to the letter with a note for the mail person to please place a stamp on my letter. It worked every time. I was too shy to actually meet and thank them ever but it was amazing that this person would do this for me, I can't imagine that actually working now. Even today whenever there is a birthday, holiday or just for the hell of it, I write letters. If I have your address, you've probably gotten a little love letter from me here and there. I love the entire process or selecting the perfect note, addressing the envelope and filling in the card, notecard, postcard, whatever. When our inboxes are full, our mailboxes only contain bills and junk mail. Until now….

I propose a little project. Email me your name and address to suddenlylovely@gmail.com and I will send you a little love note. I know some of you personally who read this but some of you I'm sure we've never met. I'd love to know who this is reaching and where in the world you are. But even if I do know you don't shy away, shoot me an email! And don't worry, this will only be used for good and not evil. So email me and get a little something in return. Who knows, maybe we'll become our own sort of grown up pen pals.

red, red

 

I woke up and it was cold. Not chilly, cold. That cold that makes you pull the covers up to your nose and stay in bed an extra 10 minutes or so. All summer I've been sporting an au naturale look of skin brightener, black mascara and bare lips but this morning took me back to fall habits. Red, red lips.

My three favorite red shades are Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Dragon Girl, Dolce and Gabbana's Classic Cream Lipstick in #220 Devil and ck one pure color lipstick in Must Do. Something about the cooler weather makes me instantly gravitate towards everything leather and lipstick. Off to another meeting but wishing you all a very happy Friday and a wonderful weekend.