you can't always get what you want

I have a bad habit of not getting what I want. I know, it sounds ridiculous but here’s what usually happens. 

• Step one: I order a juice at my local bodega.
• Step two: I get my juice and take a sip.
• Step three: It’s not what I ordered, not only that - it tastes really bad.
• Step four: I don’t say anything, I leave the bodega both unhappy with my bad tasting juice.
• Step five: I drink my bad tasting juice and regret it for hours and wonder why, I didn’t just ask for a new juice.

Does this happen to anyone else? You can apply it to any part of your life and maybe sometimes you just go with something and it’s not even what you want. The worst part is it’s always in my control, always. But rather than saying, “Excuse me, this is not what I ordered. May I please have a new juice?” I walk away feeling regretful and upset at myself for not speaking up. I’ve done this so many times that I’ve lost count. Most recently on a trip to Bloomingdale’s to purchase a new skincare product where I ended up with a different product than I went in to purchase, something I did not like, spent more money than I wanted and ended up with the same terrible regret. WHY DO I DO THIS?

Part one of the conclusions I've come to: I’m worried I’m going to hurt someone’s feelings.

I go see the bodega guy everyday. He is so happy and sweet. It gets very busy in there and sometimes people make mistakes. I also have witnessed people being so utterly rude at this place that I’m fearful that I too will look rude if I return my juice. Because they will then dump it out, waste all those vegetables and fruits, and next time I come in, I’ll wonder if they will then think of me as “the woman who returned her juice.” This is so beyond ridiculous.

Part two of the conclusions I've come to:  Everyone hates that picky, pushy person in line.

I’ve witnessed my fair share of people while living in NYC that are so beyond picky that it holds up the line and makes everyone else uncomfortable in a 10 feet radius. I know that by saying to my Bloomingdale’s beauty advisor, “No thank you, I came in for this product and am not interested in that product,” that she wouldn’t hate me or find me picky but at the end of the day, she’s supposed to be the expert. However, she is also a sales woman.

So here’s what I’m doing. 

I returned the skincare product and I’ve made a pact with myself to no longer expect bad juices. I trust that you can read between the lines here but if not - I won’t accept or allow people to talk me into things I do not want or did not ask for just because I feel bad or am worried about what they will think if I correct them. Because in the middle of the day when all I have time for is a juice, I do not want it to tastes like celery - I want carrot and I’m sure the bodega guy will understand.

juicy juice

 

 So here's the thing about juices.

I've always been 100% "get that stuff away from me." I saw people "juicing" or "cleansing" and I'd roll my eyes and tell them to hit the gym if they wanted to lose some weight or what not. What I didn't realize is that a juice can be added to your normal eating habits just as an extra dose of nutrients and antioxidants. A coworker of mine inspired a trip to our local bodega-style juice bar. I tried an orange, ginger, carrot and apple juice and it was love. Most recently my roommate Mel has been mixing up a Super-C which I've listed below. The spicy, sweet taste is amazing. My new approach to juice is that it's a healthy alternative when I'm craving something sweet. Instead of reaching for a lemonade or other store brand juice, I go to the counter and order a freshly made juice. No sugar crash, no unhealthy additives. Having that I was the world's biggest jerk about the entire fad, you should give it a try. It's changed my mind, it may change yours. Enjoy.

Super-C
from Everyday Raw Detox by Meredith Baird

The combination of pineapple and orange is a mega dose of vitamin C, a powerful cold and flu fighter. Pineapple provides an additional benefit with the enzyme bromeliad which helps suppress coughs and loosen mucus. Jalapeños elevation sinus congestion and reduce sinus headaches. Everything about this juice makes it a flu fighter. Or in my option, just plain good.

Makes 1 juice serving

1 quarter fresh pineapple
1 orange
1/2 handful of cilantro
1/2 small jalapeño, seeded

thirty days

I feel sort of mixed up. This was something I started to give myself a sense of belonging. When you lose the sense of having somewhere to go and someone who expects you everyday, it can leave you feeling heavy and overwhelmed. I gave myself one hour and a half to not think, to be and to do. I showed up everyday for myself.

Today is day 30.

It was the worst class in the bunch. I expected to be perfect, balanced. It was a reminder that you work everyday but each day requires more work. No matter how many good days there are - bad ones can come on unexpectedly. It was the worst and the best.

I cannot expect perfection from myself. I cannot criticize bad steps. Sometimes poses that were easy for weeks suddenly strike as difficult. Never expect things to fall into place. Sometimes you lose balance.

I woke up sore. My body changed greatly in 30 days. I feel a bit of sadness that my 30 days are over. What I need to be conscious of is that it is not an end but a beginning. There really is no end because there is always work to do.

I am proud of myself. I am allowing myself this happiness when all I have felt lately is guilt and disappointment. Yoga shows me that I can still push through and find a place to belong. I belong in the exact place I am right now. With these people, in this time, with this awareness.

I found the notebook I had lost for a few days. I was writing down all this newly found knowledge from my classes. Thinking that every time I had a negative thought I could re-read them and feel a bit better. Something more significant happened though, I didn't need them. The wall was behind me as I peeled my legs up into a headstand but I didn't need it. I knew it was there and that was enough. I trusted my body and understood that I was so much stronger than I had originally realized. My body will hold. The biggest smile spread across my face. It was ridiculous - upside down and smiling. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I kicked down to my tippy toes and went into child's pose. I squeezed my feet, a little massage to myself.

Written on Sunday, September 1st

less is more

I awoke from the sun beaming in from outside. A cool fall breeze from the window and in the arms of a man who loves me very much and all I could do was whine and complain.

I had no makeup, deodorant, clean clothes, face wash, comfortable shoes. My head hurt, my arm hurt from a flu vaccine days prior, my jaw sore from my apparent teeth grinding sleep. I could hear how annoying, bratty and selfish I sounded but I kept going on and on. Why was the sun so bright and why did the landlord choose Saturday morning to replace the siding (this was the only fair complaint since they began hammering at 8am). Chris, my boyfriend who spoiled me with a movie and dinner the night prior, listened and didn't interrupt as I went on and on. After a pause in my banter, mostly because I was probably looking for other things to bitch about he simple said, "Maybe you need too many things."

I fired back that I didn't think clean underwear was too much to ask but throughout the day and entire weekend the question stuck with me - do I really need so much?

With the change of the season I've found myself wanted more things. Hats, shoes, gadgets, beauty products, jewelry, everything really. I want these times but what is more alarming is that I feel I deserve these things. Why a $60 candle? Well because I earned it. I work hard goddammit so if I want my room to smell like one big fancy rose, so be it. When I come back down to earth I realize how stupid that line of reasoning is. You know what I really need? A big reality check.

I need the basics. Food, water, shelter and a job. I do not need $25 lipstick, $60 candles or an $800 watch. I have plenty of clothes to layer for the fall and winter, a heavy jacket, a hat, a cabinet of soup and to be honest, too much lipstick already. Having all I need is a blessing I seem to lose touch with all too often. My ego gets the best of me and the situation, convincing me that these things will somehow improve my life quality. What will however is wanted less. A current yoga lesson brought up the idea of taking less. Taking only what you need so there is more for everyone around you. Why does that sound so simple and easy but when I'm standing in the middle of Bloomingdale's I have this incredible pressure that if I do not have that DVF scarf that would mean no groceries for two weeks that I can't keep it in the front of my mind?

So it begins - the constant mantra of needing and wanting less. Taking what I have and seeing it all as blessings rather than burdens. And most of all to stop whining so much. No one wants to hear that.

down by the bay

…and by bay I mean the Hudson. The first time I ever biked in the city was in San Francisco this past March. I always see people zipping around in Manhattan, bicyclists yelling at cabs and pedestrians alike for being in their way. It all seemed way too intense for me. However the San Francisco biking adventure made me a bit more brave and this past weekend I rented a bike from a small shop on the Upper West Side and took to the streets.

Eddie's Bicycles is conveniently located 2 blocks from my apartment. Even more convenient, Riverside Park with its vast bike highway (bike lane) is just 2 avenues over. Since I usually am on foot when I take to the park, biking was a really nice change. The breeze from the water and the ease of coasting along was really relaxing and fun. I've been spinning at the gym lately to give my ankles a rest from beating the pavement so I didn't feel completely inapt to the other bicyclists. I was amazed at how nice the bike lanes were and also how rude and mean the pedestrians acted. I get the yelling now and the ringing of the bike bells! Either way I'll be trying out biking a few more times to see if a bike is something I'd like to invest in. It would be a nice change to running or walking. Also the lure of a basket full of groceries for a picnic is a daydream worth living.

let's get high

Have you ever taken a drive and arrived at your destination without knowing how you got there? You try to remember the last few minutes, if you stopped at all the stop signs, if you ran any red lights, if you were speeding, but nothing registers. Your mind was obviously somewhere else. This is why I run.

I began running when I graduated. Half because I wanted to explore some of the city I was living in and half because I didn't want to pay the high costs of a gym membership. What I discovered was I had a similar phenomena of arriving at a destination without fully being aware of how I had gotten there. The run always begins the same way. The first 5-7 minutes are a physical and emotional battle. A laundry list of things I need to do, people I need to call back, work that I still need to finish rip though me. My muscles are cold and my ankles ache. I skip every song on my ipod. From minute 7-12 I start to find my step. I find myself listening to my breathing, becoming aware of the way my foot hits the pavement. After minute 12 until the point where I find myself at the end of my playlist, at the finish line of my run, I am completely blank. The easiest way for me to explain the feeling is when you wake up from a realistic dream and you can remember everything yet nothing about it. It resonates as good or bad but then nothing. Your memory escapes and you are just left with a feeling.

My feeling is best described as light. I called bullshit on the rumored "runners high" until I realized, that's exactly what my body and mind does when I set in my pace and breathing. The downfall is that my body is unable to register when I've pushed myself too far. I end my run without feeling tired or sore and head back home to stretch and relax. 30 minutes later I'm singing a different tune. I realize that I've worn blisters into my feet, my hips feel like they've been cracked in half and I'm so thirsty that it feels like I might drown with all the water I drink. There is a still a debate about the truth of a runners high. Why some experience it and some do not and which environments, measures of time, speed and overall health promote it. Luckily unlike my previous example of driving a car without remembering if you stopped at a red light, running doesn't put anyone else in danger. I can float along for 50 or so minutes left with a blissful feeling of lightness.