be a body

 Our bodies betray us.

We get sick, hurt, ache and tremor. Are our bodies a reflection of our minds or are they an individual entity which can only be helped and pushed in a way that may or may not stand the test of time?

I have always thought of my body as a reflection of my emotional self. I feel strongest mind and body when I'm physically fit. I'm strong in body, I'm strong in mind. I tear into my body in an attempt to break it down and build it back up. I've always been athletic and set tests for myself that were both strenuous and exhausting. I used to fly through the air in cheerleading and gymnastics. I would ask my lungs to expand to great capacity by running until my legs gave out from underneath me. I twist and bend and challenge my limbs to hold me steady and still as I change poses in yoga. But when my body betrays me, my mind usually follows.

There are things that are out of our control. Neck aches that steam from stress, broken bones due to accidents, pins and needles in joints and headaches that pulse to great extremes. I have to trust my body to take me to the place I need to go but what if it cannot?

I work on my body as if it were a machine. Certain parts need replaced or fixed up - dents and nicks worked out of its exterior, a new valve, whatever. The part that is at the center, my engine, my heart always needs the most work. 

For over a year now I've been very quiet when the yoga teacher asks if there are any requests in class. Now I can clearly identify that I need constant attention to my heart. I ask for chest openers. I trust that my body will hold me, I question my heart. Because when my heart fails me, my body follows. Just as an engine fails, the rest of the machine cannot complete it's task. I'm understanding that working on my exterior is actually making my interior stronger.

less is more

I awoke from the sun beaming in from outside. A cool fall breeze from the window and in the arms of a man who loves me very much and all I could do was whine and complain.

I had no makeup, deodorant, clean clothes, face wash, comfortable shoes. My head hurt, my arm hurt from a flu vaccine days prior, my jaw sore from my apparent teeth grinding sleep. I could hear how annoying, bratty and selfish I sounded but I kept going on and on. Why was the sun so bright and why did the landlord choose Saturday morning to replace the siding (this was the only fair complaint since they began hammering at 8am). Chris, my boyfriend who spoiled me with a movie and dinner the night prior, listened and didn't interrupt as I went on and on. After a pause in my banter, mostly because I was probably looking for other things to bitch about he simple said, "Maybe you need too many things."

I fired back that I didn't think clean underwear was too much to ask but throughout the day and entire weekend the question stuck with me - do I really need so much?

With the change of the season I've found myself wanted more things. Hats, shoes, gadgets, beauty products, jewelry, everything really. I want these times but what is more alarming is that I feel I deserve these things. Why a $60 candle? Well because I earned it. I work hard goddammit so if I want my room to smell like one big fancy rose, so be it. When I come back down to earth I realize how stupid that line of reasoning is. You know what I really need? A big reality check.

I need the basics. Food, water, shelter and a job. I do not need $25 lipstick, $60 candles or an $800 watch. I have plenty of clothes to layer for the fall and winter, a heavy jacket, a hat, a cabinet of soup and to be honest, too much lipstick already. Having all I need is a blessing I seem to lose touch with all too often. My ego gets the best of me and the situation, convincing me that these things will somehow improve my life quality. What will however is wanted less. A current yoga lesson brought up the idea of taking less. Taking only what you need so there is more for everyone around you. Why does that sound so simple and easy but when I'm standing in the middle of Bloomingdale's I have this incredible pressure that if I do not have that DVF scarf that would mean no groceries for two weeks that I can't keep it in the front of my mind?

So it begins - the constant mantra of needing and wanting less. Taking what I have and seeing it all as blessings rather than burdens. And most of all to stop whining so much. No one wants to hear that.

the uncontrol

Everyone deals with change differently. Some embrace it, some go unfazed and some, like myself, bottle up their anxiety and resistance against it until finally some unlucky soul has to deal with the overflow. There's been so much change lately that I feel like I'm on a moving platform. You know the ones at the airport that allow you to move more quickly to get from gate to gate? I'm constantly hopping from one to another and in the middle when I'm actually on the steady ground I'm left with the feeling that the ground is still moving beneath me.

It began in July with a new job. Not only a new job but a whole other aspect of design. Once that felt semi-manageable, there was the semi-break-up of my quasi-boyfriend. In an emotional cul-de-sac, it mutually ended due to irreconcilable differences. With that change was the friction of friends involved that I didn't see coming. Soon thereafter came the announcement that my fabulous roommate was moving out and moving in with her boyfriend. I straddled a line of being extremely happy for her and extremely anxious over the thought of having to move. Add in November and the holidays to follow. While some begin to play holiday music the day after Halloween, I am one of those that avoids it all together. Your parents tell you that your cat got hit by a car and this is your first Christmas where your sister isn't staying home with you at your parents but rather at her own home. Finally add in meeting someone who for the first time in the longest time makes Miss Control (me) feel completely out of control.

Everything always seems so minuscule once it's over and dealt with. Fears and anxieties fade, plans are set and achieved. To-do lists get made, added to and finally crossed off. Not one to make resolutions that can easily be phased out within a week or even a month I feel that there is one to be made for the year. In most situations I realize that I find myself wanting to control every aspect and the outcome. The truth is I can't control them. I know this yet still I dwell. I dwell on the things I can not control, the people I can not reach, the situations that I can not change. This year and going forward I will keep in mind that what's done is done. The past is the past and while it amounts to the present, it doesn't have to influence it. Sometimes I just have to let go. This is me, letting go little by little. Happy 2012.

unplugged

In January I lost my phone. I left it in a bar while out with friends. I was sick of answering texts, set it on our table and slipped into the crowd only to find hours later that I was inconveniently disconnected to the world. I know it sounds dramatic but I had no way to reach my family, friends or the phone provider. I speak to my parents daily and often more than once. I knew that they had probably tried to call and had most likely gotten my voicemail. I had a feeling they were starting to worry. I couldn't contact my friends to see if many one of them grabbed it knowing it was mine before they left. I couldn't contact the phone provider to say my phone was missing and to please disconnect the line so that no one calls Asia or Australia, hacks my email or social media accounts. I promptly signed onto Facebook and twitter and messaged my sister and friends that my phone was gone, I was alive and to contact me by means of my roommate until further notice.

At first, this was such a pain in the ass. I didn't have Facebook at my fingertips. I couldn't tweet annoying things about what I was doing at that moment. I couldn't text anyone that I was running late and that I'd be there soon. What I learned was this; Facebook is a waste of time, twitter doesn't care what you are doing and sending a text for being late is a bad excuse for just taking too long in the shower. I realized that there is something really lovely about being disconnected from everything.

Fast forward to today. It's slow so I am doing minor projects to fill my time until I am briefed on the next project. I refresh my blog stats, my twitter feed, check my phone for texts and I absolutely hate it. I can't stand that I am so plugged in that I rely on these things during the day to keep myself entertained. I recently deactivated my personal Facebook account to help ease myself away from the social media bubble. I can't tell you how much drama that has saved me from in my life. Who cares about who went from in a relationship to single or posted photos from their drunken night out with people you barely know anymore. I know that there are benefits to being always in the loop but sometimes I wish that I weren't at all. That way I couldn't obsess over how many people are reading this post right now, where friends are having lunch via 4square or deciphering tweets and texts. Is it me or are we all just a little too plugged in to what everyone else is up to?

a loaded question

"Do you ever hate Ken?" Isabella had asked her friend Mary a couple of weeks ago. They were getting manicures on a Wednesday night after work and the question just came out. Ken was Mary's new boyfriend, a nice guy who made all of their friends comment, "Oh, there he is. That's what she's been waiting for," as if finding your perfect match was a guarantee as long as you were patient enough.

Mary raised her eyebrows and looked closely at a nail she'd just smudged.

"Hate him?" she asked.

"Yeah. Hate him." Isabella said. "The other night I looked at Harrison and I just...I don't know."

"I don't know if I ever hate him," Mary said. "But he sure bugs the living fuck out of me sometimes." 

* * * * * * 

A laugh-out-loud moment where I found myself nodding at my book and to myself on the subway. It was refreshing that I never had to say this out loud but someone else did and even took the time to write it into a book. Do you ever look at those around you, the ones you love and think, "What the hell am I doing hanging around with this person?" Yeah well me too, almost every other day.

(Girls in White Dresses by Jennifer Close)

gentlemen don't wear shorts, ladies don't chug

Where do you fall when it comes to dating etiquette? Are you a do-it-all-gal where as you hail your own cabs, open your own doors and make the first move? Or are you ore the traditional wait for him to take your coat, pull out your chair and order for you? Personally every relationship I've been in has been different from the last. And with each, my expectations changed. Some men forgot to help me out of the car but always remembered my favorite ice cream. Some have held the door but forgot to hold my hand.

What is the perfect blend? I believe in an equal partner equation. You get what you give. Pick me up late, in shorts, without making any sort of plan for the night? Odds are that you're going to get less than 50% of my attention that night. Show up on time, dressed appropriately, with a game plan and a smile, I'm 100% yours. It's not chiverly I'm after, but the effort makes all the difference. What about the same effort put forth for men too? Maybe sometimes girls are to blame. If you are chugging a beer and looking like a slob, expect to be treated like one. Remember his favorite place to eat, that dress he loved on you or take the time to learn something about something he's into.

Of course everyone's preferences are different. It takes someone damn near perfect and special to make you realized that they are what you've been missing without even knowing it. Regardless, do one thing today that makes your girl or guy remember why they are with you.

xxv

I'm such a bad blogger. I do however have an excuse and it's a good one! Yesterday was my birthday and all weekend was spent celebrating with friends and family which left me zero time to blog. In honor of my 25th birthday I am listing out 25 goals for the year ahead. Some serious, some a little ridiculous. Also a very big shout out to everyone who helped welcome me to year 25 of my life. You all mean the world to me and I love you so much.

1. Travel more
2. Make less excuses (oh crap, a bad start but I will get better)
3. Go to more flea markets/antique fairs
4. Spend more time kissing
5. Train for the NYC marathon
6. Write more thank you notes
7. Learn to moon walk
8. Do more yoga
9. Keep up with this blog
10. Visit the ballet
11. Take ballet
12. Make it to the beach come summer
13. Get a promotion at work
14. Donate more of my items
15. Spend less time being hungover
16. Drink way less sugar
17. Get my allergies (to almost everything) figured out
18. Pay off my credit card
19. Procrastinate less
20. Spend more time with my sister
21. Go horseback riding more
22. Learn to cook all the dessert recipes I save
23. Keep up with my journal (nerdy, I know)
24. Take a cooking class
25. Make more friends

looking back

Ever stop and think about where you are currently in your life, how you got there and where you came from? That's the type of spell I was under all weekend. I believe it was the juxtaposition of being surrounded by old and new friends who have come from such different places in my life. I've been calling this stage of my life the 'between' because I am literally between the good and bad and the hard and easy. I keep finding myself in situations where I feel like I'm either in a fairy tale or a horror movie. I've realized that somethings change and then some people never do. I was taken to the beautiful 21 Club for dinner with an amazing group of new friends. It's funny how things change, how you get from one place to another and how far you have yet to go. As I quickly approach my 25th birthday, there will be much more change to come. My gift to myself is working on positive change, with positive situations and people around me. Goodbye bad karma, out with the bad, in with the good.

self resolving

resolving: to reduce by analysis {resolve the problem into simple elements}
I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. Usually if I do they are simple and attainable. Last year it was to drink less soda and to take care of my skin and body. Well having that I don't drink much soda as it is, that was easy. I began a new skin regime and worked on cooking more at home and eating out less, as well as running more and then joining a gym once the weather dropped. This year, I'm simplifying even more: be polite. Open doors, hold doors, say thank you, say you're welcome, say bless you, offer more help, hold your tongue, smile more, become more aware of those around me (don't zone out on an ipod, interact instead), etc. I think that by simply saying, be polite, covers a lot of areas in my life that I'd like to work on. There will always be small resolutions like swear less (obviously that doesn't reflect in this post) and dance more but I think that being polite is one of the most important traits a person can work on. Here's to a healthy and happy 2011!