adventures of standing on your head

So, we all are more than aware of my trip into the yoga universe. I've been practicing for 1.5 years and just about daily for the past 6 months. Yoga came into my life (as every person who practices yoga claims) when I needed it most. It "found" me and I "found" it. Clichés aside, it really did save me. A place to go everyday, poses to focus on and breath that didn't feel like a constant heart attack. I healed and while I was at it, lost some weight, gained strength both physically and emotionally and calmed the hell down. I realized, more than anything, that I couldn't solve the problems of the world or mine in a day. That everyday I needed to start fresh and work a little more. That there was always work to be done and that's okay because there is no deadline for growth or love. Then I went upside down into my daily headstand.

Then I fell, really hard. Every knuckle cracked, along with my neck. My body knew how to tuck and roll from years of falling out of tricks in gymnastics and horseback riding but my mind at that moment screamed panic. I'd like to say that the man next to me practicing scared the living daylights out of me and it's why I fell.  He came down out of his shoulder stand so fast I was sure I was doomed, however it wasn't really the case. What happened was, I got too cocky. I had been practicing for a few months for just about every single day and I had gotten so used to headstands that I got ahead of myself.  I forgot that I was standing on my head and that I needed to focus and breathe. My ego got the best of me and in turn, I almost broke my neck.

Instead of the normal annoyance that would come over me and gripping that waves over me when I do something imperfect, I calmly went into child's pose. I was however grinding my teeth so hard that I had to open my mouth for a few seconds so that I wouldn't chip a tooth. And then I laughed.

Because here I was thinking that I was golden. That I, Antoinette Marie, had basically conquered sirsasana and therefore all of yoga and I had done it in 3 months. Go deeper. My emotional self was walking around saying, "Oh I'm fine. That breakup? What breakup?" But the truth is, it'll always be with me. I'll always be working. On both my fears and concerns of love and headstands.

Last night and every night since I fell, I go into and come out of my headstand with absolute respect. I now understand that I can fall, and hurt myself at anytime. That no matter how many times I do any pose that I may lose my balance. I understand that this reflects me and the outside world. That I need to respect the love that I'm given by those around me because it can be taken away or betray me at a moments glance. I remember to breathe, I remember to stay focused. To not place blame on the person next to me because god knows there's always someone next to you doing something sort of stupid and scaring you. To have respect for all situations you find yourself in, good and bad. Accept that you will fall and don't take it so seriously. I will never be able to go into a headstand again without being a little bit afraid that I will fall. I try to ease my nerves with my breathe and build my strength by continuing to practice, regardless of my fears. I'm sure I'll fall again and again but isn't the most important part to know how to get back up? I'm getting back up.

the clog

My bathtub has a tendency to clog. One day I'll randomly look down to see my feet submerged in water. I get out, towel off and by the time I'm dressed I have already forgotten about the clog and the excess water has drained. Until the next time which will be when I'm especially late and am left with sudsy feet and a mental note to pick up drano on my way home from work. I always forget to deal with the clog until it's so bad that it takes a bottle of extra strength drano and at times, the maintenance man to snake my drain. This, for those of you know who know me and how OCD I can be know that this isn't about cleanliness but about addressing the problem. At 25 years old, I am incredibly good at ignoring the problem until like my bathtub, I am filled to the brim and overflowing.

I know that it's there but each day is less convenient than the last. I forget until something else adds to the pile and I remember that I had poor feelings at all. I look down, I look up and wonder how the water got so high. Time and time again I curse myself for not taking care of it right away. Letting it build and allowing it to get more about more out of hand. My feet prune-like, my heart heavy.

Once the clog is gone and my feet don't slip on suds, I go back to my daily routine, thank the maintenance guy who murmurs on his way out in half English, half Spanish that next time to him call earlier. "Don't let it build mami," as he walked down the hallway, "one day it will not be fixed." 

This post is dedicated to Kate. xo

anonymous design

When I was younger and still living with my parents I always thought in situations that didn't please me, "I will remember this for my own kids, I will never do that to them." Even then I knew I was being dramatic and usually I was able to see the point they were trying to make. Now that I'm at the old age of 25 I'm thinking about that situation in a different light. I'm talking about a situation that I bet 99% of designers face. The "when I'm an art director/creative director I will never do that to my designers/team" situation.

Have you ever had one of your bosses/managers/directors do something or say something that either made you want to fall to the floor in tears in frustration or hurl a desk across the room in anger? It's not criticism I'm talking about. I'm talking about owning your work and getting credit where credit is due. Let me set the scene for you.

It's understood that when you work for a brand that you will not be able to sign your work like a painter or sculptor would. You acknowledge that you work for Company X and that Company X will (hopefully) get praised for the project you slaved and obsessed over. Your name will not appear at the end of the commercial, at the bottom poster, on the lower right hand corner of the box. But throughout the company and to those in the industry, you will shine. How naive for a young designer like myself to think. I never realized how hurtful taking credit for the work of others could be until I had been in both situations.

As I stood in front of my concepts and designs this week in front of first my art director, then my senior director, then my marketing director and still more directors and presidents to follow I realized something. Those "fall to the floor in tears" situations swing both ways. Both when someone takes complete credit for the designs you've created and when someone 2, 3 or 4 levels above you looks you straight in the eye and says, "Wow. Wonderful. These are great." They pull others over, they talk about you in other meetings, they are happy that you are there to be a part of their team. Learning from now both situations I am putting this in the back of my head for when I reach my own design dream job as an art director one day.

Give credit to where credit is do. Celebrate those who did the work. Acknowledge their work. You have no idea how beat down you can get when the opposite happens.

I left work and cried. Out of relief. Out of complete happiness. The moment where my art director pointed to me when her boss asked who had worked on the concept. You have no idea how grateful I was for that moment. Those moments make me want to push forward even harder, to really shine even brighter next time. You could have hated it all but the fact that you said it was my work went above and beyond. Thank you.

let's get high

Have you ever taken a drive and arrived at your destination without knowing how you got there? You try to remember the last few minutes, if you stopped at all the stop signs, if you ran any red lights, if you were speeding, but nothing registers. Your mind was obviously somewhere else. This is why I run.

I began running when I graduated. Half because I wanted to explore some of the city I was living in and half because I didn't want to pay the high costs of a gym membership. What I discovered was I had a similar phenomena of arriving at a destination without fully being aware of how I had gotten there. The run always begins the same way. The first 5-7 minutes are a physical and emotional battle. A laundry list of things I need to do, people I need to call back, work that I still need to finish rip though me. My muscles are cold and my ankles ache. I skip every song on my ipod. From minute 7-12 I start to find my step. I find myself listening to my breathing, becoming aware of the way my foot hits the pavement. After minute 12 until the point where I find myself at the end of my playlist, at the finish line of my run, I am completely blank. The easiest way for me to explain the feeling is when you wake up from a realistic dream and you can remember everything yet nothing about it. It resonates as good or bad but then nothing. Your memory escapes and you are just left with a feeling.

My feeling is best described as light. I called bullshit on the rumored "runners high" until I realized, that's exactly what my body and mind does when I set in my pace and breathing. The downfall is that my body is unable to register when I've pushed myself too far. I end my run without feeling tired or sore and head back home to stretch and relax. 30 minutes later I'm singing a different tune. I realize that I've worn blisters into my feet, my hips feel like they've been cracked in half and I'm so thirsty that it feels like I might drown with all the water I drink. There is a still a debate about the truth of a runners high. Why some experience it and some do not and which environments, measures of time, speed and overall health promote it. Luckily unlike my previous example of driving a car without remembering if you stopped at a red light, running doesn't put anyone else in danger. I can float along for 50 or so minutes left with a blissful feeling of lightness.

you spin me right round

I want to go to the gym and leave completely wiped out, but in a good way. That sense of accomplishment and letting everything go from the day. While running around in +6" heels may have seemed like a workout to me at first, I came to the conclusion that I needed to do more to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle. So I joined a gym, Club H Fitness to be exact and started taking spin. What I got in return is a new favorite way to work out full of dance music, crazy pumped up instructors and 45-55 minutes of complete and utter muscle hell. If you haven't tried spin yet, let me tell you that it can change your body faster than you can imagine. It's not just about your legs, but rather your entire core, arms and mind. I've learned to breathe more evenly to due to the flux in resistance that is put on your bike throughout the class. If you are looking to spice up your workout, give it a try. I highly suggest Robert's class on Tuesday at 7 pm or Jen La's class on Saturday at 9:45 am. These are both at the Hoboken Location.

http://tiny.cc/spin_schedule