I feel sort of mixed up. This
was something I started to give myself a sense of belonging. When you
lose the sense of having somewhere to go and someone who expects you
everyday, it can leave you feeling heavy and overwhelmed. I gave myself one
hour and a half to not think, to be and to do. I showed up everyday for
myself.
Today is day 30.
It was the worst class in the bunch. I expected to be perfect, balanced. It was a reminder that you work everyday but each day requires more work. No matter how many good days there are - bad ones can come on unexpectedly. It was the worst and the best.
I cannot expect perfection from myself. I cannot criticize bad steps. Sometimes poses that were easy for weeks suddenly strike as difficult. Never expect things to fall into place. Sometimes you lose balance.
I woke up sore. My body changed greatly in 30 days. I feel a bit of sadness that my 30 days are over. What I need to be conscious of is that it is not an end but a beginning. There really is no end because there is always work to do.
I am proud of myself. I am allowing myself this happiness when all I have felt lately is guilt and disappointment. Yoga shows me that I can still push through and find a place to belong. I belong in the exact place I am right now. With these people, in this time, with this awareness.
I found the notebook I had lost for a few days. I was writing down all this newly found knowledge from my classes. Thinking that every time I had a negative thought I could re-read them and feel a bit better. Something more significant happened though, I didn't need them. The wall was behind me as I peeled my legs up into a headstand but I didn't need it. I knew it was there and that was enough. I trusted my body and understood that I was so much stronger than I had originally realized. My body will hold. The biggest smile spread across my face. It was ridiculous - upside down and smiling. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I kicked down to my tippy toes and went into child's pose. I squeezed my feet, a little massage to myself.
Today is day 30.
It was the worst class in the bunch. I expected to be perfect, balanced. It was a reminder that you work everyday but each day requires more work. No matter how many good days there are - bad ones can come on unexpectedly. It was the worst and the best.
I cannot expect perfection from myself. I cannot criticize bad steps. Sometimes poses that were easy for weeks suddenly strike as difficult. Never expect things to fall into place. Sometimes you lose balance.
I woke up sore. My body changed greatly in 30 days. I feel a bit of sadness that my 30 days are over. What I need to be conscious of is that it is not an end but a beginning. There really is no end because there is always work to do.
I am proud of myself. I am allowing myself this happiness when all I have felt lately is guilt and disappointment. Yoga shows me that I can still push through and find a place to belong. I belong in the exact place I am right now. With these people, in this time, with this awareness.
I found the notebook I had lost for a few days. I was writing down all this newly found knowledge from my classes. Thinking that every time I had a negative thought I could re-read them and feel a bit better. Something more significant happened though, I didn't need them. The wall was behind me as I peeled my legs up into a headstand but I didn't need it. I knew it was there and that was enough. I trusted my body and understood that I was so much stronger than I had originally realized. My body will hold. The biggest smile spread across my face. It was ridiculous - upside down and smiling. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I kicked down to my tippy toes and went into child's pose. I squeezed my feet, a little massage to myself.
Written on Sunday, September 1st
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