no-bake recipe

I haven't made anything in over 2 weeks. I step into the kitchen and the only thing I've been able to grasp is a glass of ice water. That's all I'm capable for right now. My love of cooking and baking blossomed over the past two years by trying new recipes, trusting that messing up is okay and let's be honest, having someone to help me and feed at the end of the day. I've stopped feeding myself by means of my kitchen.

I feed myself by waking up each day and smiling. Making myself smile first before anything else like a crazy person who has lost their damn mind. I smile no matter what - sun up, sun down, rain or shine. For a week I woke up at 4am everyday to smile. If I start with a smile, the day is already on its way up. It's my body saying, "Okay, another day. Be grateful, be honest. Try." It's my mind saying, "You're okay. Even if you aren't, that's okay. You'll get there."

I feed myself by riding my bike. The movement helps me. While everything around me seems to be shaky and scary I was able to do this thing. I was able to pedal my legs and trust that my body would take me there, even if my mind didn't want to. There is so much to be said about physically being able to do something that emotionally you can hardly handle.

I feed myself by practicing yoga. I practice breathing everyday, all day.

Others are feeding me. Friends who ask how I'm doing. Hugs and hellos stitch me together. Family to lean on. I have the strongest people around me, it's like being fed steak and potatoes everyday. Take a bite of their kind hearts and rebuild yourself.

I had a taste of a coworkers quiche yesterday and it made me long for the quiche I make myself. But I'm not going to force it. I'm not ready but when I am I know that the ingredients can be found and the time will be set aside. For now I'm working on my no-bake recipe.

your attention please

I saw you and you saw me. We've never met but we know each other. I don't know the sound of your voice or how you pronounce simple words like tomato or coffee. But for an instant, we saw each other and we couldn't figure out how we were connected - until we did.

Is there a name for this? Is this something that happens to most people now? We're so connected on a non-personal level that our personal face-to-face selves don't even have to say anything, we just keep going, keep walking, keep pedaling.

There was a conversation about continuous partial attention. I like to think of myself as a mega multi-tasker. I can organize a closet while designing a project in my head. I can go for a bike ride and map out the rest of the week and make a grocery list. The problem with this is I'm only partially connected to what I'm doing. My mind leaps from task to task without fully being engaged. One wave of thought crashes into another, while the other builds directly behind it. If I set aside time to organized the closet, then time to design a project - the two may turn out to be more enjoyable and effective. Not convinced?

I'm at dinner with a friend while texting another under the table. All while thinking of what I need to tell my mom when I'm done with dinner. I'm not fully engaged in the person in front of me who may really need that connection. I really need that connection but I'm so used to only being partially focused at any given time that I see this as multitasking, not as a problem to which there is a solution.

I knew you because I saw your photos online from a friend, of a friend, of a coworker, of a friend. How confusing. I'm not even sure how I got there. I know your name, I have already made up my mind of what sort of person you are, I have passed judgement about you and your friends simply because I scanned your gallery. I am partially connected to you, partially engaged. We will never meet, we will never have a conversation but as I passed you I knew you, and you knew me.

I'm working on not allowing my thoughts to leap from one to another so quickly. To sit down and finish a task before moving to another. To understand what it is to be flexible but to also understand what it is to be focused and engaged with my surroundings. Because I passed you and my mind flipped through a million ways that look could play out. I want to be conscious of myself - of others. Not to pass judgement and to have a steady stream of breath which allows myself to let things be as they are, the grace to accept and the confidence to let go.

to lose

 

"It's okay to completely lose your shit for a while. You'll get it back."

Mallory, August 2nd

perfumed dreams

I write about almost everything here, recipes, relationships, random stuff that flows through my mind but what I never write about is work. Sort of odd having that I spend hours upon hours doing what I do each day. 2 years ago I took on a new job working in the beauty industry as a packaging designer. Everyday since then, I've felt like the luckiest girl on the planet. Yes, sometimes I'm stressed to teeth-grinding capacity but through it all I can honestly say I've found my place as a designer.

I spent two years on ck one Calvin Klein fragrances and color cosmetics. I had to start from scratch. For the three years prior my expertise was in the beauty of paper and printing. Truth be told, I had only a slight idea of what was going on for a good amount of time. I felt like I was floating and bobbing to and fro meetings, where projects moved along quickly and projects were planned 2 years out. 2 whole years.

Then, something even more amazing happened. I discovered Alexander Wang. Suddenly fashion made sense to me. I understood the moment I stepped into my first piece, this was exactly what fashion and beauty meant to me. Alexander Wang was appointed the creative director of Balenciaga in Fall of 2012. The house moved to New York from Paris and the fragrance contract followed. Cue whispers around the office for a new team being built. Enter me, stage left, asking my creative directors to be nominated for the role.

Two years ago I would have never taken this step. Going to both creative directors and explaining how honored I'd be to even be considered for the position took confidence that I found working for 2 years under the ck one Calvin Klein brand. I am a product of hard work, long hours and an art director who let me sink and swim and find my own way.

The goal, with every design that I touch is that it makes someone feel beautiful and good about themselves. That the scent should trigger a moment in time where they were over the moon. That the packaging is something to cherish, something to keep on their dresser rather than in the drawer. I'm honored to have many wonderful mentors here at work who constantly push my boundaries and invite me to go beyond what feels safe and neutral. To be innovative and honest.

I cannot wait to share the new designs with you for Balenciaga fragrances in the future. They all come from a place of love. Love born out of coming to work everyday and being excited to get started. And with that, here I go.

Illustration, my own.

a balancing act

There are things about us that are different. There are things about us that are the same.

I said, "I think it's a balance."
You said, "I don't want to be balanced."

It vibrates through me everyday. I fell to my knees in the street, I sat on a cool subway train and weep in the presence of strangers, I take unnecessary trips to the bathroom at work and sit a while until my flush face fades.

The hardest part of leaving is knowing that it may be the right thing. It doesn't make it hurt any less and it doesn't make it easier. I shifted closer, you further.

I fill my lungs with air and try to remember that I've been here. That my situation is not less or more challenging than of those around me. That daily life brings us challenges and every so often, heart break. I'm letting go of what I do not need while you find what you do. I hope you find it, I hope you fill the void. 

To those who know me personally, Thank you. You've gone to great lengths to pull me up as I fall down. I love you forever.

spring break forever

It's spring off and on. Sizzles like summer some days and feels like fall the next. Regardless, every chance I get I'm outside. Chris has been working every weekend on the deck creating a garden oases. You'll find me with an iced coffee art directing or sunbathing. I refreshed some of my beauty cabinet with the change of the weather. Dior Crème De Rose Lip Balm keeps my lips smooth enough for all the lipstick damage I do during the day. Plus it has SPF in it to protect my pout when I'm sunbathing. I recently became very attracted to the rose notes in fragrance making Chloé Eau de Parfum an ideal fit. The base of cedarwood, amber, and honey makes it more sophisticated rather than a teenage floral. Just this past weekend I picked up YSL's top secrets natural action exfoliator. Applied to a dry face, the honey texture transforms to a light oil then to a milk to remove dead skin cells. Rinse with cool water and your on your way to beautiful skin. I always cringe at the word "exfoliator" because I think of rough, sandy textures but this one is extremely smooth and you only have to use a dime sized dollop for your entire face. Kiehl's blue herbal gel cleanser is a good everyday makeup remover/acne treatment. I don't break out often but I do have blemishes from time to time. This has cleared up my skin better than any cleanser in the past. My mum gave me a small vial of the SolarOil nail and cuticle conditioner that I keep at my desk at work. At least once I week I brush it onto my cuticles, let it sit for a few minutes and easily press my cuticles back. It maintains my manicure and makes my nail beds look long and clean. Lastly, I've bought into the idea of "an apple a day…" by having a honey crisp apple with lunch everyday. Who knew such a small fruit could give such a boost of energy, subdue my need to reach for the candy bowl and flatten my belly. This might be the best product shown above actually. Until the next time the temperatures hit about 75. Xo

unmatch

There is a still-water moment that happens when you part ways from a significant other. No ripples, no waves, just stillness. For a bit of time, this is okay. It's nice to wade and to push and pull your limbs through the water feeling it's newness all over you. Then, for myself, the calm became questionable. The still, cool waters suddenly seemed dark and dangerous. Did something just touch my foot? GET OUT OF THE WATER SOMETHING JUST BRUSHED BY MY FOOT. And then, I joined match.com.

I feel like I can not go any farther without stating a sort of disclaimer to this post. I know many, many people who have met, dated, married and had children with significant others that they met online. Why else would I give it a try if not for the bountiful, happy experiences others have had. Now, with that said...

I was on match.com for a total of 20 hours. It was a very stressful 20 hours. I didn't tell anyone about my venture to online dating. At home one Friday night 2 spring seasons ago I felt optimistic and curious enough to check the site out. I wasn't dating anyone at the time and had 2 girlfriends who used the site to meet men in the area and who were "exploring" the idea to date some of them but none of them at the same time. I created my profile which felt a lot like filling out my first Facebook page years prior and waiting for a friend request or any activity to take place on the page. I clicked around some but had a lingering feeling of guilt as I would browse through men who my first and only impression was their photo and their username. I didn't want to marry bballstar4573 because god, what an awful monogram that would be (kidding.) and guy with that tunic-like shirt on the beach, you're screaming Ted Bundy to my woman spidey senses. Alas, I went to bed.

I woke up to emails, winks, messages and the most appalling attempts to get my attention via bad joke or dirty joke in the subject line. Suddenly I felt like these people were invading my space. It may help for you to know that I am not one of those people who see someone calling my phone and say, "Oh it's so-and-so I'll call them back." No. I pick up the phone and say, "Hi so-and-so I will call you back." I can't ignore people, I just cannot. So one by one, everyone got their messages answered usually with a creative response like, "Dear bballstar4573- I live in Manhattan therefore a Florida relationship is not currently in the cards for me. Best of luck, you'll find someone great. - Antoinette." It was overwhelming and eventually after an hour or so, I just logged out and off. But not before Troy sent me a message.

Troy was 30 something, seemed fit and friendly. He also was living in Chelsea and had a car (because he offered to pick me up for our date so I'm assuming) which I figured a good sign if you say you're doing okay professionally. I thought of all the tips and tricks I picked up on 60 seconds and Oprah like meet in public, have someone check in on you, keep it to 1-2 drinks max, etc. So aside from my overwhelming feeling that this wasn't for me I thought, you committed and maybe this is the man of your dreams, go on one date. Well…

Troy was nice. Polite. Tall and looked just as fit as his picture. But as we chatted I was having a hard time following really where he was going. I didn't feel like there were enough details in his descriptions or emotions in where he grew up or went to college. College by the way was Ohio State, downfall (PSU grad here) but at least we had the Big 10 in common. Did I mentioned he played football? Did I mention I secretly know a pretty good amount about college football? But Troy didn't know this so as he spoke I ran stats in my head and came up with nothing. Then the most fantastic thing ever happened, he asked me…

"Can I see your feet?"

I like to sometimes have Carrie moments (sex and the city) but keep them to myself but this one literally felt like it was a written tv set. My what? My who? Get me out of here. Troy and I never spoke again.

Sometimes when Chris has to work late I play a head game like I live in this apartment alone. My mind goes back to when I was single and living with a roommate and all the guys we talked about and those insane first dates which were 80% bad and 100% memorable. Here's what I always land on,

I can not wait until Chris gets home.

sugar, oh honey honey

Due to my work/gym schedule, most of the cooking and/or baking happens on the weekend. One weekend I was craving something sweet. What exactly I was craving were Chris's moms butter cookies but those were long gone from the Christmas holiday. I stumbled upon a recipe for chewy sugar cookies by milk & mode and had everything I needed already in the apartment so it was a win-win situation. Needless to say, these cookies did not last very long. The sweet, salty taste was addicting. I laid in bed on Sunday reading and popping these suckers into my mouth one after another. Re-posting the recipe below as a bookmark for myself and in hopes that some of you will try it out. Trust the recipe, do not bake more than 10 mins… they are plenty baked and are chewy and delightful. Enjoy!

Chewy Sugar Cookies

Ingredients

1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature 

1/2 cup granulated sugar 

1/4 cup light brown sugar 

2 teaspoons vanilla extract 

1 large egg 

1 1/2 cup all-purpose unbleached flour

1/2 teaspoon sea salt 

1/4 teaspoon baking soda 

1 cup turbinado sugar, or coarse sugar

Directions

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Line two large sheet pans with parchment paper. Cream butter and sugars for 1 minute. Scrape sides of bowl. Continue beating for another minute. Scrape bowl again.

Add vanilla. Beat for 1 minute. Scrape sides of bowl. Add egg. Beat for 1 minute. Scrape sides of bowl. Add flour, salt and baking soda. Beat 1 minute. Scrape sides of bowl and beat for another minute.

Make small balls of dough to be dotted with course sugar. I skipped the course sugar and used rainbow sprinkles instead. Do not press the balls down. This will ensure a chewy middle. Bake for 8 - 10 minutes, turning and reversing pans midway through baking. Resist the urge to bake your cookies longer, or they won’t be chewy. The tops don’t get much color, but the bottoms will be nicely golden.

Place pans on cooling racks. When cool, store cookies in air-tight containers.

p.s. this is quite humorous coming after the +8 post ;)

the weight of getting older

So here's the thing about turning 27. You turn the corner on being able to eat whatever the hell you want. I'm telling you now so that when you get here, you know it ahead of time. Maybe you'll be lucky enough to make it to 28 or unlucky enough that 26 is when it happens but for me, it is 27.

I've always considered myself an active person. I run, lift weights, spin and even did boxing for about a year. Suddenly though out of no where I gained about 8 pounds and no matter how much I do or don't eat, no matter how hard I run myself into the ground, that scale will not move. 

So I tried "dieting." Quotes because I'm not a person who can diet or further more wants to. I hate being the person that eats salad while everyone else enjoys pasta. I don't like saying no to candy and I really hate not being able to visit my favorite bakery on 23rd street. So my diet was this; replace lunch with a green juice, drink more water, no more candy or bakery goods and no butter. Simple right? Sort of… except, nothing changed. Except my attitude which was annoyed and aggravated because all I could think about was rose macarons. So what do you do?

You stop looking at the scale. 

I run. I run really freaking hard and long on some days. I bike. I have a nifty single speed bike that means I can't cheat on hills with gears. I lift weights and jump around like a nut. I think you can classify this as CrossFit. I twist and bend in yoga. And I have stopped looking at the scale. After 5 days straight at the gym some weeks I feel like a brand new woman and what can ruin that moment isn't a cookie but that damn number.

But my jeans still fit the same and I still trot around in a bikini of vacation so at the end of the day, do those +8 pounds matter? Sometimes. Sometimes they bug me and make me select the non-fat yogurt rather than the 2%. But most of the time, they don't. Because I can eat macaroons with the understanding that I'm going to ride my bike a bit harder that day. That's okay with me. Because of all the vices I could have, +8 pounds isn't so bad.

where have you been

I'm such a hypocrite sometimes. There are a few blogs that I follow that I check, recheck and refresh and when there hasn't been anything updated for more than say, a day or so… it really bugs me. Yet here I am typing away and I haven't been updating suddenly lovely at all. Hopefully those of you who check back every once and a while haven't removed me from your bookmarks and care to know that I'm still here. 

I was away for a week in Florida. Enough sun and warmth to carry me through the rest of the 'winter' (I suppose technically it's spring). It was great but I was so happy to get back to NYC. I love the beach and water but at the end of the day, I love Manhattan more. I rode my bike down Metropolitan Avenue in Williamsburg smiling ear to ear. I went to yoga, stopped by Marlow and Sons for a honey scone and coffee and rode the rest of the way home not even minding the cold.

I've been working on freelance. I've been lucky enough to work with several awesome people who have shared their weddings, babies and bat mitzvahs with me. The best part is handing over the final piece and seeing their faces get all goofy and excited. Get goofy, it's such an awesome feeling.

I am back to running. I joined a gym and try to go after work during the week and at least once on the weekend. I was starting to drive myself crazy when I got home from work and all I would talk about was work and what was going well or more likely, not well. I could hear myself blabbing and just couldn't stop. Now going to the gym I get it out of my system by physically exhausting my emotional self. At the end of the day, it's just perfume and makeup.

One last note before I sign off and probably head to bed. I received the most lovely cards from friends this past birthday. For those of you who sent me little notes, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

everything's coming up roses

If you're interested in this post it means one of two things, either you're in a pinch or you straight up forgot that Valentine's Day was this Thursday. I've got what you need, step into my office. Whether you're willing to spend a lot or a little, I have 6 gifts that you can give your sweet and I won't even take credit for the idea.

From top left going clockwise: If you're going for the faint-factor, decorate your lady with the Tiffany sparklers lavender amethyst ring. To soothe her winter skin and make her smell like roses, L'Occitane's rose petals hand cream. For kissable lips, Dior's crème de rose' smoothing plumping lip balm. Treat her to a new statement fragrance such as Marni, exclusively at Saks Fifth Avenue. (If you buy now you'll get a free cosmetic bag with purchase, I picked up mine this weekend and am over the hill with the scent!) Fill up her (or your shared) apartment with the a duet of diptyque's best scents, rose + baies. Last but not least, flowers are always a sure bet. I've been using Park Avenue Florists for my latest celebrations for friends. Their beautiful designs can be sent directly to her office or pick them up on your way to see her.

Sending love to everyone out there.

coffee courting

The 14th of February is approaching whether you like it or not. Last year I was semi-single and not expecting much on the day. I made small heart pins for some of my co-workers to help spread some love around. I was surprised when I asked a few people and they said no! That they were against any sort of Valentines Day celebrating… it never occurred to me to take such a strong stance. Nevertheless, those who accepted the heart pin wore it around and I think it made them feel just a little bit fuzzy that day.

I said "semi-single" did you catch that? I was crushing big time but it was a bit difficult having that we worked about 10 feet from each other. My day usually began with Chris and I going to Starbucks to get our coffee and to spend a few minutes being flirty (he) and giddy (me). We were very conscious to not bringing any sort of relationship into the workplace so that morning coffee was sometimes the only time of the day where I could blush and not be embarrassed or feel that I had a dozen eyes on me. On Valentines Day I came into work expecting for the normal routine when I saw that my drink was already on my desk. My heart sunk into my butt.

So if you're in a relationship or not come the 14th, do something nice for someone you know. Even if it's a friendly gesture. Who knows in a years time what that could turn into.