wind down

Let's wind down. I know the past entries have been intense or at least they feel like that to me. So let's take a break from my super charged mind where everything is flying all over the place and settle on what's been filling my days lately. First off, yoga - so much of it. I practice at Greenhouse Holistic located in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I've been going off and on for a year now. I had tried yoga in the past but now am a full believer that it does a lot of good, mind and body. Everyone in the office has a summer flu so I've been drinking a GT's kombucha daily to help warn off the bad bacteria floating around. With all the yoga and sick kids, the Fresh Sugar Face Polish has been keeping my skin aglow. I started reading, "Where'd you go Bernadette?" by Maria Semple on Sunday and am half way through. I had mentioned to my roommate that I was going to get a new book when she pulled this from her pile, it was the exact book I was going to pickup that afternoon! I'm smelling like Balenciaga L'Essence lately. I went through a very long trend of wearing Chloe Eau de Parfum but settling back into L'Essence which has woody notes blended with violet. Hope everyone is having a nice Tuesday. I'm feeling much more positive today with the sun out and shining. Much love.

pretty little boxes

 need (noun): a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation.
want (verb): to wish, need, crave, demand or desire.

I've been placing my life into two categories. Two neat bins or boxes. I like to think of them sitting next to each other and placing physical notes in each when thoughts arise. White slips of paper with black ink. The box on the left reads, "want." The box on the right reads, "need."

As a thought arises, it gets written down and placed in its box. Sometimes the want items end up in the need box and later need to be sorted out. Sometimes the opposite happens. This breaks down to the most simple means of life lately. Do I need or want that second cup of coffee this morning? Do I need or want to pick up the phone and call him? Do I need or want that beautiful Helmut Lang jacket… well obviously that's a need.

Demand is such a jarring word. Jarred is such a wonderful description of what I feel right now. Demanding something from someone is so much different than getting something that is necessary. The definitions themselves speak volumes. Everything to describe "want" feels forced with an action that is against a will.

Maybe I didn't want to be sitting on the grass yesterday having a conversation with a friend about how hard things can be sometimes. How people get sick, relationships end, friendships become strained and uncontrollable shifts happen within ourselves. I didn't want to admit that this is maybe what I needed. I didn't want to make you a grass ring to put on your finger because I wanted it to be him and not you. But I needed to be sitting there and I needed you. I needed to have that conversation because I need to feel it all. Maybe I wanted something that I didn't need. Maybe you need something that you didn't want.

Thank you for helping me off the grass. Thank you for helping me place the slips of papers in their boxes.

the art of losing

I have a neurotic habit of placing the same items in the exact same spot. When I suddenly moved, all my places had to be re-established. Because nothing had a place or home I would lose things constantly. I lost my new apartment key for a day, lost by old apartment keys for 2 days, lose my phone on the daily and yesterday I lost a small notebook. I know that it seems trivial and that it'll show up eventually but for the time being, it really makes me feel a bit nutty and out of sorts.

I have been jotting notes down in that little book since I've moved. It's been home to grocery lists, inspiration for work, thoughts that flood my mind, quotes from friends, family and yoga teachers and daily ramblings that later turn into blog posts or questions to resolve later. Let me also say that I have an entire box of these notebooks. I have a notebook from high school, my first year in college, from my internship summer in NYC and well you get the point. I hardly ever throw them away because I can pick them up and take a glimpse into what was going on. What was I buying, worrying about, thinking about, where was I going and who was I with during these adventures?

I also feel that beginning a new notebook would mean that I've "given up" on my lost notebook which I'm not ready to do. So for a few days I'll make notes on random pieces of paper, my iPhone, whatever is available. If it comes to having to get a new book then I'll drag my butt downtown to pick out another which is a whole adventure in itself. For the day thus far here are my notes:

1. Find the notebook 2. Pay the dry cleaner 3. Nineteen 4. Call movers to confirm 5. Breathe deeply

fine

"I'm fine. When is this over?"

Paul, August 13th

Bend down and touch the ground with the palms of your hands. If you aren't a gymnast like most of us, use your fingertips. Are you there? Good, okay. Feel connected. How is it? Oh, fine? Fine, but when is this over? How many times a day do we say that? This is um, fine but when the fuck is this going to be over. It hurts? Why are you letting it hurt, you're doing it. Do something a bit more comfortable. We came here to work but we didn't come here to work in pain. Listen, most of us only get to practice yoga like what...once a week or whatever? Just enjoy it. Do it but enjoy it. Do it and don't think "oh this is fine." Because then it's not fine. Why don't you just do something that feels good and you enjoy. Do yoga, take drugs. I shouldn't say that but I'm more of a drug addict than anything but you know what I mean. We're all thinking everything is fine but - when the fuck is this over.

I actually was asleep 97% of this class. I let go so much that by the time I realized I was practicing yoga I was standing in front of the juice in the grocery store blocks away.

tried + true

When I was in middle school I realized pretty quickly that girls were complete bullshit.

They would tell me that they liked my jeans and two seconds later tell someone else how terribly they looked and how I thought I was cooler than everyone else. I developed a good sense of which girls were full of shit and which were going to stand by me.

Today, it's not really any different. I've met more people in my life that have stabbed me in the back than who have held my hand. I'm not going to deny that I've probably done it to a few as well. I never really felt like I had to belong to a clique. I was perfectly fine having fewer friends. I also realized that I preferred having guy friends because they didn't stab me in the back. If they were going to be jerks, it was straight forward and forgotten about 2 minutes later.

At 27 I overhead someone once tell another, "Toni doesn't have a lot of friends."

At 27 I felt like I was 12 because it made me terribly sad. I went home, shut the bathroom door and I let myself cry just for a second. Then I went back to bed and to sleep. I thought about it again over the weekend as I sat with a coworker and friend at my new apartment.

"I can't get over this view," she said.
"Well I had to lose everything to get it," I said.

But I didn't have to lose any friends. When I needed them, they were right there. An army of people who were fucking pissed off and ready to help in anyway they could. I always knew but I re-realized, I don't have many friends maybe by other people's standards but the friends I have are some of the most interesting, honest and beautiful people I've ever met. The saddest part is having to call on them for help when I should have been calling on them for happier reasons the whole time. We make time when it's convenient and when bad things happen but it's hard day in and day out when everything is going swimmingly to remember that these are the people that actually do mean the most. Everyone is guilty of it so nobody really blames anyone else. It's something to be conscious of, something to work on.

"We should do this more often," she said.
"We should have been doing this since the last time," I said.

Reach out to someone you haven't spoken to in a while today just to say hi. Because girls can be such bullshit but if you're lucky enough to have those in your life that will stand by you when you need them and when you don't, hang on, those are true blue best friends. I'm so proud of mine.

over the loudspeaker

There is not one person I know that isn't going through some sort of challenge in their life this year.

Before I hit "post" I usually ask myself why I'm writing what I am and why I am sharing it publicly. Some of you may feel that some information would be better kept private or within a relationship, friendship, family, etc. The truth of the matter is, every time I put myself out there it has the potential of reaching someone else who is going through a challenge in their own lives.

Maybe you've come here to look at a recipe, to stalk me a little, to get to know what's going on in my head or simply by mistake. Or maybe you come back because I'm here saying that sometimes shit is really fucked up and that makes you feel a little bit better.

To everyone who has ever sent me messages about the blog, thank you for reading. For those who haven't, thank you too for reading and sticking it out with me. Much love going into the weekend.

be a body

 Our bodies betray us.

We get sick, hurt, ache and tremor. Are our bodies a reflection of our minds or are they an individual entity which can only be helped and pushed in a way that may or may not stand the test of time?

I have always thought of my body as a reflection of my emotional self. I feel strongest mind and body when I'm physically fit. I'm strong in body, I'm strong in mind. I tear into my body in an attempt to break it down and build it back up. I've always been athletic and set tests for myself that were both strenuous and exhausting. I used to fly through the air in cheerleading and gymnastics. I would ask my lungs to expand to great capacity by running until my legs gave out from underneath me. I twist and bend and challenge my limbs to hold me steady and still as I change poses in yoga. But when my body betrays me, my mind usually follows.

There are things that are out of our control. Neck aches that steam from stress, broken bones due to accidents, pins and needles in joints and headaches that pulse to great extremes. I have to trust my body to take me to the place I need to go but what if it cannot?

I work on my body as if it were a machine. Certain parts need replaced or fixed up - dents and nicks worked out of its exterior, a new valve, whatever. The part that is at the center, my engine, my heart always needs the most work. 

For over a year now I've been very quiet when the yoga teacher asks if there are any requests in class. Now I can clearly identify that I need constant attention to my heart. I ask for chest openers. I trust that my body will hold me, I question my heart. Because when my heart fails me, my body follows. Just as an engine fails, the rest of the machine cannot complete it's task. I'm understanding that working on my exterior is actually making my interior stronger.

no-bake recipe

I haven't made anything in over 2 weeks. I step into the kitchen and the only thing I've been able to grasp is a glass of ice water. That's all I'm capable for right now. My love of cooking and baking blossomed over the past two years by trying new recipes, trusting that messing up is okay and let's be honest, having someone to help me and feed at the end of the day. I've stopped feeding myself by means of my kitchen.

I feed myself by waking up each day and smiling. Making myself smile first before anything else like a crazy person who has lost their damn mind. I smile no matter what - sun up, sun down, rain or shine. For a week I woke up at 4am everyday to smile. If I start with a smile, the day is already on its way up. It's my body saying, "Okay, another day. Be grateful, be honest. Try." It's my mind saying, "You're okay. Even if you aren't, that's okay. You'll get there."

I feed myself by riding my bike. The movement helps me. While everything around me seems to be shaky and scary I was able to do this thing. I was able to pedal my legs and trust that my body would take me there, even if my mind didn't want to. There is so much to be said about physically being able to do something that emotionally you can hardly handle.

I feed myself by practicing yoga. I practice breathing everyday, all day.

Others are feeding me. Friends who ask how I'm doing. Hugs and hellos stitch me together. Family to lean on. I have the strongest people around me, it's like being fed steak and potatoes everyday. Take a bite of their kind hearts and rebuild yourself.

I had a taste of a coworkers quiche yesterday and it made me long for the quiche I make myself. But I'm not going to force it. I'm not ready but when I am I know that the ingredients can be found and the time will be set aside. For now I'm working on my no-bake recipe.

your attention please

I saw you and you saw me. We've never met but we know each other. I don't know the sound of your voice or how you pronounce simple words like tomato or coffee. But for an instant, we saw each other and we couldn't figure out how we were connected - until we did.

Is there a name for this? Is this something that happens to most people now? We're so connected on a non-personal level that our personal face-to-face selves don't even have to say anything, we just keep going, keep walking, keep pedaling.

There was a conversation about continuous partial attention. I like to think of myself as a mega multi-tasker. I can organize a closet while designing a project in my head. I can go for a bike ride and map out the rest of the week and make a grocery list. The problem with this is I'm only partially connected to what I'm doing. My mind leaps from task to task without fully being engaged. One wave of thought crashes into another, while the other builds directly behind it. If I set aside time to organized the closet, then time to design a project - the two may turn out to be more enjoyable and effective. Not convinced?

I'm at dinner with a friend while texting another under the table. All while thinking of what I need to tell my mom when I'm done with dinner. I'm not fully engaged in the person in front of me who may really need that connection. I really need that connection but I'm so used to only being partially focused at any given time that I see this as multitasking, not as a problem to which there is a solution.

I knew you because I saw your photos online from a friend, of a friend, of a coworker, of a friend. How confusing. I'm not even sure how I got there. I know your name, I have already made up my mind of what sort of person you are, I have passed judgement about you and your friends simply because I scanned your gallery. I am partially connected to you, partially engaged. We will never meet, we will never have a conversation but as I passed you I knew you, and you knew me.

I'm working on not allowing my thoughts to leap from one to another so quickly. To sit down and finish a task before moving to another. To understand what it is to be flexible but to also understand what it is to be focused and engaged with my surroundings. Because I passed you and my mind flipped through a million ways that look could play out. I want to be conscious of myself - of others. Not to pass judgement and to have a steady stream of breath which allows myself to let things be as they are, the grace to accept and the confidence to let go.

to lose

 

"It's okay to completely lose your shit for a while. You'll get it back."

Mallory, August 2nd

perfumed dreams

I write about almost everything here, recipes, relationships, random stuff that flows through my mind but what I never write about is work. Sort of odd having that I spend hours upon hours doing what I do each day. 2 years ago I took on a new job working in the beauty industry as a packaging designer. Everyday since then, I've felt like the luckiest girl on the planet. Yes, sometimes I'm stressed to teeth-grinding capacity but through it all I can honestly say I've found my place as a designer.

I spent two years on ck one Calvin Klein fragrances and color cosmetics. I had to start from scratch. For the three years prior my expertise was in the beauty of paper and printing. Truth be told, I had only a slight idea of what was going on for a good amount of time. I felt like I was floating and bobbing to and fro meetings, where projects moved along quickly and projects were planned 2 years out. 2 whole years.

Then, something even more amazing happened. I discovered Alexander Wang. Suddenly fashion made sense to me. I understood the moment I stepped into my first piece, this was exactly what fashion and beauty meant to me. Alexander Wang was appointed the creative director of Balenciaga in Fall of 2012. The house moved to New York from Paris and the fragrance contract followed. Cue whispers around the office for a new team being built. Enter me, stage left, asking my creative directors to be nominated for the role.

Two years ago I would have never taken this step. Going to both creative directors and explaining how honored I'd be to even be considered for the position took confidence that I found working for 2 years under the ck one Calvin Klein brand. I am a product of hard work, long hours and an art director who let me sink and swim and find my own way.

The goal, with every design that I touch is that it makes someone feel beautiful and good about themselves. That the scent should trigger a moment in time where they were over the moon. That the packaging is something to cherish, something to keep on their dresser rather than in the drawer. I'm honored to have many wonderful mentors here at work who constantly push my boundaries and invite me to go beyond what feels safe and neutral. To be innovative and honest.

I cannot wait to share the new designs with you for Balenciaga fragrances in the future. They all come from a place of love. Love born out of coming to work everyday and being excited to get started. And with that, here I go.

Illustration, my own.

a balancing act

There are things about us that are different. There are things about us that are the same.

I said, "I think it's a balance."
You said, "I don't want to be balanced."

It vibrates through me everyday. I fell to my knees in the street, I sat on a cool subway train and weep in the presence of strangers, I take unnecessary trips to the bathroom at work and sit a while until my flush face fades.

The hardest part of leaving is knowing that it may be the right thing. It doesn't make it hurt any less and it doesn't make it easier. I shifted closer, you further.

I fill my lungs with air and try to remember that I've been here. That my situation is not less or more challenging than of those around me. That daily life brings us challenges and every so often, heart break. I'm letting go of what I do not need while you find what you do. I hope you find it, I hope you fill the void. 

To those who know me personally, Thank you. You've gone to great lengths to pull me up as I fall down. I love you forever.