the loss of living

Sometimes it's not death that takes someone away from you but life. Moving away from your childhood town, leaving for college, and starting your adult life in another city are all physical moves that push you closer to some and further from others. What about emotional moves? Decisions that turn into gateways for some friendships or relationships but dead ends for others. We are never the same people we were in the past and we are forever changing. Sometimes that change, no matter what, pulls you further from the people you originally thought would always be there. Remember your first boyfriend/girlfriend and how you thought you'd be together forever? Maybe some of you are lucky enough to have that thought turn into reality but most of us aren't. You pass these people at different points in your life and realize that you both have changed into people who are barely recognizable from that 14 year old state. This is not the boy I drove around with singing Craig David's "Seven Days" (yes, it's true, I know every word).

Through all of my heartbreaks, I've never had a worse heartbreak than from a best friend. Boyfriends seem to come and go but my girlfriends are a constant in my life. I've realized that as we get older, my group of close friends shrink. Between work, boyfriends, and life in general, the time I spend with friends is more specific. As relationships and friendships fade or grow stronger I've let go of all negative feelings and move forward with the understanding that sometimes there is nothing else you can do.

This post is dedicated to Mallory who was my 7th grade enemy until she told all the mean girls to go to hell during lunch when I was told there was no room for me at their table. That's love.

sayonara

As August comes to an end and fall creeps in with September I start to think about where the summer has gone. Usually I'm still holding on to the last bit of the season but this year, I'm ready for change. Summer here means you're constantly on the go. You see friends here and there but always rushing from place to place, party to party, club to bar and so-on. Fall comes and everything slows down. Summer romances fade and for a month or so, everyone is blissfully single and available for an afternoon brunch, walk around the city or late night out. As I sit here with not one but two fans blowing on me, I think of the season to come, it's beautiful leaves, crisp air and calmness. Goodbye summer, see you next year.

fast food

I'm a big fan of easy, fast dinners. I never feel like cooking anything when get home from work and the gym at the end of the day. I am constantly looking for recipes that are quick, delish and can be made with only a few main ingredients (I loath grocery shopping!). Here's one below that I made up as I went that took 20 minutes and tasted amazing!

Day before: Marinate your chicken breast over night with just a few ingredients listed below. I just put mine in a zip bag, nothing fancy!
-Fresh basil leaves
-Montreal chicken seasoning
-Virgin olive oil
Day of: Set your pasta to boil and put your chicken in the oven at 350 degrees. Depending on how thick it is, cooking time may vary. Add more seasoning if preferred. Whisk together butter, freshly chopped garlic, pepper, pinch of salt and minced basil leaves. Once your chicken is done chop up and put it into pasta and pour butter sauce over. Enjoy!

moving on, moving out

In March of 2007 I arrived in New York City for my interview with a company called Ceci New York. One summer internship and three years later, I find myself saying goodbye to my first design job and all the people who I've grown so close to. The photo above was taken by my mom moments before that first interview for my summer internship. You can clearly see my nerves as I clutch my ice tea and barely smile. I remember being on such a roller coaster of emotions. Excitement, curiosity, nervousness but most of all, pure terror. What if they laughed at my work? What if they told me to get out and never come back? The "they" turned out to be Senior Designer Drew Brockington and Founder/Creative Director Ceci Johnson. They did neither such thing. They carefully went through my portfolio, asked me about my background, my interests and took me through the Ceci New York design process in-brief. I came back as a full-time designer July 2008 after my college graduation. I've been able to work on projects from comedian Lisa Lampanelli's wedding invitation (who is a really, really sweet woman contrary to belief), Australian online shopping brand BlackRag and was even in a CeciStyle shoot as an extra (that's me on the left with the one shoulder pink dress).

The last day has been bittersweet so far. Being both sad to go and excited to begin something new has left me in limbo for the past two weeks. I do think as a creative person it's time to throw myself into something completely different and new. It will challenge everything I've known for the past few years and make me flip, reinvent and change the way I design. I still feel much like the person in the photograph being on the verge of fainting as I finish up my last day. But here's to change, something fresh and new and a great big thank you and I love you to everyone here at Ceci New York.

fall break

As much as I love summer in the city, fall here is like no other… well with the exception of the amazing falls I used to have at Penn State. With college football, cider, crisp air and beautiful colored leaves to look forward to, I've already been putting my fall wish list together. All combined makes the perfect look for a stroll through central park, a state game with college friends or a casual date with someone special. Hopefully you'll find something you love here too! From top left, moving clockwise: Chanel Coco Mademoiselle Parfum, Tory Burch Selma riding boot, Tarte LipSurgence natural matte lip tint, West Avenue Small Monogram Necklace, La Perla Vintage Plissé lace soft-cup bra, J Brand 620 Super Skinny Denim, Ralph Lauren Blue Label Megan Solid Oxford Shirt and S'MORES (the biggest must-have of the season)!

speak the truth, even if your voice shakes

I've learned so many things by moving out of my small town in Pennsylvania. Things that have lifted me up and things that have let me down but most of all, how to deal with both. While I truly believe everyone deals with their problems differently, the core to everyone's internal struggle may be that we lie to ourselves. It's hard to take ourselves outside of our own situations to realize what is happening and how to find the solution. Acknowledging a problem or a bad habit to yourself is beyond difficult. Assessing the problem and dealing with it yourself is almost impossible. In New York, I'd say more often than not, our friends, coworkers, bosses and significant others see therapists for this exact reason. It takes complete strangers to get to the root of the problem. But why can't we do this ourselves? I refuse to spend money on something I am sure I can do myself which is why I've developed my own therapy session with myself as both the patient and the therapist.

Whenever I'm feeling especially down over anything; friends, family, work, significant others, etc. I do a simple trick, I speak the truth to myself. I know this sounds simple and a bit crazy but have you ever openly spoken the dead truth about a problem your facing? 9 times out of 10 you know what the solution is. The problem is the solution is often harder than ignoring the issue itself, it's not your ideal situation and is inconvenient and messy. Before you can admit your wrong doings to anyone else, it's a good idea to admit them to yourself. Unhappy with a friend? Say it out loud. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself how. Ask yourself when this started and how you see it ending. The most important thing about this is saying it out loud. Be completely honest. You'll probably cry but you might start to realize where it stemmed from. You'll feel a ton better and begin to organize your thoughts. You'll begin to heal.

While I fully understand that this isn't for everyone, it really has helped me. Lay down, sit on the sofa, go for a walk and find a good spot in the park, say it in the shower, whatever works for you. But once you are fully 100% honest with yourself, all those knowing truths inside you will come out and you'll be able to begin the process and be able to assess whatever you're dealing with more responsibly, all beginning with realizing you're responsible for yourself.

act your age

As much as I try to deny the fact, I am an adult. Once I turned 25 years old earlier this year, I realized that I should probably stop fucking around and act my age. What I didn't know is, I actually already was. Subtly over time, habits and personality traits of my younger self began to disappear and I began to grow up. While walking home today from the grocery store I realized while passing a high school girl how much younger she actually was than me, and how glad I am that I am done with that chapter of my life. While friends can still hurt your feelings and your heart still breaks the same, there are bits of things I do on a daily basis that categorize myself as an adult. Below are 10 signs of my adulthood that are both light-hearted, and laughable. Enjoy.

1. I force myself to eat vegetables, the one's I don't like
2. I save recipes
3. I use the term "tween" as a general description
4. I'm done dating assholes
5. I don't use the term "when I get older" I say "eventually" instead
6. I critique other parents parenting skills instead of blaming the child
7. I don't want to waste a sick day on actually being sick
8. I no longer buy the cheapest wine bottle at the store
9. I drink coffee not for the caffeine but because I like the taste
10. I am genuinely concerned with what I will feed my guests if they come over before we go out

tricky sticks

Prior to my internship in New York City I had never eaten sushi or thai and therefore, never learned how to use chopsticks. Feeling awkward and embarrassed I picked up my chopsticks amongst my new coworkers and tried to mimic their hand movements. It wasn't until a few weeks later while out to dinner with a good friend and fellow designer, Melinda that I was shown how to properly hold and use chopsticks. Recently while at a sushi restaurant in downtown Baltimore I felt the need to pass along my chopstick knowledge. How many of you also do not know how to use these tricky sticks? The key is to make sure the bottom stick stays put as your anchor and to use the top stick to squeeze your food. Here's a good how-to online, you'll be a pro in no time: http://www.ehow.com/how_3261_chopsticks.html

survivor island

Whenever word reaches me that someone is leaving the city the response is always the same. My eyes squint, my forehead wrinkles and my expression is pure confusion. Why? Maybe it's that I'm so wrapped up in the magic of New York City that I can't imagine why one would leave. Then planning begins and everyone rushes around for dinner and drinks with that person because leaving the city is like leaving the planet. Hurry! We have to have dinner, I probably won't ever see or hear from you again! I forget that emails and phone calls exist and that once you leave the city, you are always able to move back or at the least, visit.

Leaving the city means leaving conveniences behind. Being able to be chauffeured around in a cab, order in food, laundry and alcohol and mostly have anything you need at a drop of a hat and a messenger fee. New Yorkers live in excess. We work too much, drink too much, don't sleep enough, are obsessed with being at the latest and greatest restaurants and clubs, run marathons because it's trendy and act uninterested at celebrity sightings because, "Who are they anyway, they probably live in L.A. full-time." All of this makes me wonder why exactly I stay. I was born and raised in the country with a go-getter and do-for-yourself attitude. This may be the exact reason I've survived so long though. Being able to live amongst these high-strung, high-energy and sometimes just high New Yorkers all while staying level-headed might stem from my low-key upbringing. All I know for now is that if you are leaving please let me know so I can run around planning drinks and dinners with you because you're leaving my little safe island and going into the big, scary world.

This post is dedicated to Jes. She came and conquered and is now off to rule the rest of the world, best wishes and hope to see you soon. xx